Couples: Change the Pattern, Not the Partner – Stop Arguing the Facts

Most couples come in hoping I’ll arbitrate which one of you is right about “The Thing That Happened.”  But the “thing” is never the real problem; it’s the pattern that a couple falls into under stress.

As an Imago Relationship Therapist, I make sure that the work provides the structure needed to exit that pattern—so you can hear each other, soothe the threat, and make changes that actually stick.

It’s Not You vs. Me; It’s Us vs. the Cycle

Imago starts with a reframe: your partner isn’t your enemy—your nervous systems are reacting to old templates. Under pressure, one of you pursues, the other protects; both feel unseen. When we name the loop and externalize it, the fight gets smaller and the two of you get bigger. Naming it is the first de-escalation.

Safety Before Solutions: Zero Negativity + Agreements

Skills won’t land if your bodies feel under attack. Imago builds safety through zero negativity (no blame, shame, or sarcasm) and shared rules of engagement: time-limited talks, gentle tone, no interruptions, and a clear plan to pause and resume if either of you feels flooded or shut down.

The Imago Dialogue: Three Moves That Change Everything

Imago Dialogue is a simple yet powerful communication tool that can profoundly improve how we connect with others. It emphasizes active listening and understanding rather than trying to fix or judge. By accurately reflecting what the other person is saying, we reduce their sense of threat and prevent misunderstandings that can escalate into defensiveness. 

When we validate their feelings and reasoning, we create a space where they feel genuinely seen and heard, which helps separate their impact on us from their intentions. This process of empathetic connection fosters a sense of safety, promoting closeness and trust. 

Ultimately, Imago Dialogue teaches that truly understanding someone must come first, and finding solutions comes later. A meaningful connection begins with listening and validation rather than immediate problem-solving. The practice is brief and intentional, cultivating a more compassionate and effective way of communicating in any relationship.

Caring Behaviors & Stretching

Repair isn’t just about stopping the hurt; it’s about adding warmth. Create a Caring Behaviors list (tiny things that make you feel loved and seen: making coffee, a check-in text, sitting together without screens). Imago also invites stretching—doing a small act that’s a bit outside your comfort zone for your partner’s sake (the avoidant initiates; the pursuer gives spacious yeses)

Try This Week (Imago Mini-Practice)

1. Zero-Negativity for 24 Hours

   •No criticism, sarcasm, eye-rolls. If you slip, say, “Redo?” and restate gently.
   

2. One Behavior Request
   •Sender offers three tiny options; Receiver picks one to practice daily for seven days.
   

3. Caring Behaviors
   •Each of you lists 10 small actions that feel good. Trade lists. Do two items this week.

Couples therapy rooted in Imago gives you a structured way to slow the storm, feel understood, and turn empathy into action. You don’t need to agree on everything; you need a reliable process to come back to each other—especially when it’s hard.

If this resonates, I offer compassionate, Imago-informed couples work to help you map the cycle, build safety, and practice the small changes that change everything.

This article is for general information and isn’t a substitute for medical or mental-health care. If you’re in crisis or experiencing violence, seek immediate help via 988 in the U.S. or your local emergency number.

Therapy Is Human Work: Why Talk Therapy—Not AI—Heals

There’s no substitute for being understood by another person in real time. Apps can mimic conversation; they cannot offer care. Talk therapy heals because it’s a living human relationship with accountability, nuance, and attunement. That’s not a feature you can download—it’s something two people build together.

The Relationship Is the Treatment

Good therapy isn’t just advice. It’s co-regulation: a trained clinician tracks your words, your pauses, your breath, your micro-expressions—and adjusts in the moment. We remember what you avoid, we notice when shame spikes, we slow down when your nervous system says “too much,” and we return to hard places with you, not from a script.

Safety, Ethics, and Real Accountability

Therapists are bound by professional ethics and confidentiality; we assess risk, pace trauma work, and intervene when needed. If something escalates, we don’t just give a disclaimer—we take responsibility, collaborate on safety plans, and connect you to urgent care if necessary. That duty of care is the backbone of therapy.  

Rupture and Repair increase Capacity for growth

In any relationship, misunderstandings and mistakes happen. I might sometimes misunderstand you, and you might sometimes feel I’ve missed your intention. The important thing is that we acknowledge these moments, talk about them, and work through them together. 

This process of repairing after disagreements within the therapeutic relationship models what a healthy relationship can be like. It shows that conflicts do not have to lead to separation and helps transform your understanding of closeness and trust, demonstrating that honest repair can strengthen connections rather than weaken them.

Context, Culture, and Lived Experience
Your unique history, cultural identity, and environment shape what support looks like for you. A human therapist thoughtfully considers these elements, recognizing the influence of cultural nuances, power dynamics, and the prejudices you may have faced. Therapy is tailored to your specific needs, with adjustments in language, pace, and goals to ensure relevance and respect. We understand that you are more than just a set of symptoms—you are a whole person, and effective care requires deeply honoring your personal context and lived experience. This approach fosters trust, validates your identity, and creates a safe space for healing that truly reflects who you are. This is not something any robot or app can offer.

Privacy and Dignity
Therapy starts with a clear, informed agreement about confidentiality, boundaries, and limits. You’ll know exactly who is present in the session, how your information will be handled, and what steps will be taken if you’re in danger. Your privacy is sacred, and your story is never treated as data for a larger dataset. Instead, it’s held with the utmost respect and care, honoring your dignity and ensuring you feel safe to open up and explore your innermost thoughts and feelings. Maintaining your trust and confidentiality is fundamental to creating a space where genuine growth and healing can occur.

Your most vulnerable moments deserve clear, human stewardship.

The future will keep inventing clever tools. That’s fine. But healing—the kind that widens your life and deepens your relationships—remains stubbornly human. If you want a space where your story is heard, your patterns are challenged, and your growth is supported by a steady, accountable relationship, that’s what talk therapy offers.

If this perspective resonates, I offer confidential, affirming talk therapy—virtual and in person—focused on real change grounded in real connection.

This article is for general information and isn’t a substitute for medical or mental-health care. If you’re in crisis, call 988 in the U.S. or your local emergency number.

Two Truths at Once: Holding Hope and Grief Through Infertility, IVF, and Pregnancy Loss

After my own pregnancy loss, I learned how quickly grief collides with logistics—labs, forms, calendars, acronyms. People offered hope as if it were medicine; some days it helped, some days it hurt. Here’s my stance: therapy can’t promise an outcome, but it can restore your footing in a process built on uncertainty. We make space for grief without abandoning hope—and for hope without denying grief.

You’re Not Broken—you’re in an Uncertain System

Fertility work invites control: track, time, optimize, perform. When cycles don’t go as planned, many people blame their bodies or their willpower. In therapy, we separate you from the process. We name what’s human (grief, anger, jealousy, relief, numbness) and what’s structural (waiting rooms, costs, medical care’s structure, ambiguous answers). That shift reduces self-blame and gives you back agency where it actually lives—how you care for yourself, how you set boundaries, how you make the next decision.

Grief Happens Before, During, and After

Loss here is layered: failed cycles, chemical pregnancies, miscarriages, endings you had to choose. That’s grief—even when others don’t recognize it. We practice “continuing bonds” (rituals, names, letters), mark anniversaries intentionally, and allow conflicting feelings to sit together. You’re allowed to love a future you imagined and still consider new paths if you want them. You’re allowed to pause. You’re allowed to stop.

Protect Your Nervous System, Not Just Your Calendar

Fertility care is physically and emotionally loud. We build “treatment hygiene”: predictable routines, sleep and light anchors, food before appointments, a post-appointment plan (walk, call, meal, nap). We prep for triggers—social media, baby showers, medical portals—and create scripts for updates so you don’t have to relive the story every time. With partners, we swap problem-solving marathons for short, scheduled check-ins so connection doesn’t become collateral damage.

There’s no “right” way to move through infertility, IVF, or pregnancy loss. There is just your way—held with compassion, steadied by structure, and witnessed by someone who won’t rush you. If this perspective resonates, I offer confidential, affirming support for women navigating these paths (and for partners who want to help without losing themselves).

This article is for general information and is not a substitute for medical or mental-health care. If you’re in crisis, call 988 in the U.S. or your local emergency number.

Stop Chasing “Happy”: How Talk Therapy Actually Helps With Depression

On paper, depression looks like a list of symptoms. In real life, it feels like time has slowed down and sped up at the same time: mornings weigh a ton, conversations blur, and the things you used to love now feel far away. Most people come to therapy asking, “How do I get rid of this?” It's important to understand that the goal isn't to force yourself to feel happy all the time. Instead, it's about rebuilding your ability to experience and handle your emotions. Talk therapy helps you recognize, name, and respond to what you're going through, so over time, your life becomes richer and less defined by your symptoms. 

Therapy Isn’t Positive Thinking—It’s Pattern Rewriting

Depression isn’t just sadness; it’s a set of loops—thoughts, body states, habits—that keep shrinking your world. In good therapy, we map those loops and change how you relate to them. Sometimes that means tending to old grief. Sometimes it means building habits that spark momentum. Sometimes it means practicing conversations that your nervous system has learned to avoid. 

Techniques are important, but what really makes therapy work is the relationship between you and your therapist: one that is steady, honest, and free of shame. As the mental fog starts to lift even a little, you can begin to move toward the things that truly matter to you—rather than just trying to escape your pain.

Mood Follows Moves

Most people wait to feel motivated before they act. With depression, motivation often shows up after the smallest action—never before. In therapy, we make actions microscopic and repeatable: taking a five-minute walk around the block, texting one friend, splashing water on your face, opening the blinds. This isn’t productivity; it’s re-training a stalled system to start. Don’t negotiate with your mood. Pick one tiny move you’ll be able to do no matter how you feel.

Name the Loop, Shrink the Loop

Depression talks in absolutes: “always,” “never,” “what’s the point.” When we slow down the inner monologue—What just happened? What did I tell myself? What did my body do next?—the loop becomes visible and therefore changeable. We practice swapping debate for description, guilt for curiosity, and perfectionism for “good enough today.”

Safety First, Then Skills (Especially in NYC)

New York is vibrant and relentless. The pace, noise, crowds, and comparison can flood your system so thoroughly that rest feels suspicious. Before we layer on skills, we build conditions: predictable sessions, clear boundaries, and small, protected pockets of quiet. Once you’ve built a foundation of understanding and resilience, practical skills like scheduling enjoyable activities, identifying your core values, or gradually facing situations you’ve been avoiding become much more effective. 

In a city that never stops, finding spaces and moments of calm and self-care is essential for true recovery. Sometimes, you need to create those quiet, meaningful places for yourself in the midst of the chaos.

Quick Experiments for This Week

• Two-Minute Rule: Choose one task and do it for exactly two minutes. Stop on purpose. Momentum beats marathons.

• Name + Next: When a heavy thought shows up, label it (“that’s the ‘I’m failing’ story”) and pick a next action (“put on shoes”).

• Sun + Human: Get direct light in your eyes before screens, and exchange a real hello with a real person.

• Shrink the Goal: If “work out” is too big, “stretch for 60 seconds” is not. Success should feel slightly boring.

• Pleasure Without Permission: Schedule one small pleasure that serves no purpose—music in the shower, a good coffee, a park bench.

REMEMBER: Depression convinces you that you’re stuck this way. You’re not. With the right support, your world can get wider again—more options, more steadiness, more honest connection to yourself and the people you care about. If this approach resonates, I offer confidential, affirming therapy in NYC and virtual sessions for New Yorkers who need flexibility.

This article is for general information and isn’t a substitute for medical or mental-health care; if you’re in crisis, call 988 in the U.S. or your local emergency number.

When Willpower Isn’t the Problem: How Therapy Helps With Substance Use

When it comes to problematic substance use, most people sit in my office and say some version of, “I know I should just stop.” If only it were that simple. Substance use isn’t a moral failure or a motivation problem—it’s a coping strategy that’s become unhealthy. For a time it was doing a job, often quite efficiently, until it wasn’t. Talk therapy helps you identify that job, meet the need more safely, and rebuild real choice—whether your goal is cutting back or pursuing abstinence.

Substances Have a Job. Find It Before You Fire It.

Alcohol, weed, pills, cocaine—each tends to “work” for something: numbing grief, quieting anxiety, easing social pressure, turning down intrusive thoughts, or interrupting loneliness. When we treat use like pure bad behavior, we miss the function. In therapy, we map patterns: What’s happening right before the urge? What relief does the substance deliver? What’s the cost—now and later? Naming the job gives us leverage to meet the same need with fewer consequences.

Don’t start with “stop.” Start with “what is this doing for me?”

Harm Reduction Isn’t Giving Up—It’s Getting Safe Enough to Change

Harm reduction is a compassionate and practical approach to managing substance use or risky behaviors. Instead of insisting on complete abstinence, harm reduction focuses on making these behaviors safer and reducing potential harm, supporting you in progressing at your own pace. It recognizes that for many people, an all-or-nothing mindset can feel overwhelming or unattainable, so it provides a middle ground where safety takes precedence.

This approach includes strategies such as planning for safer use by choosing cleaner substances or using measuring tools, reducing dosing by spacing out consumption or lowering amounts, and changing the environment to safer settings or using with trusted people. Adding food and water helps your body process substances better and can lessen negative effects. Tracking triggers and patterns can help you identify situations or feelings that lead to risky behaviors, so you can develop ways to manage or avoid those triggers. Preparing exit strategies, such as having a safe place to go or someone to contact during cravings or emergencies, adds another layer of safety. Engaging support from medical professionals, counselors, or support groups is also essential, especially when managing withdrawal symptoms or overdose risks.

Harm reduction is rooted in the belief that safety is non-negotiable, but recovery is a gradual process built on compassionate care and trust. It provides a stable foundation, allowing you to make responsible, incremental changes when you're ready, rather than cycling through an all-or-nothing mindset.

Many people find themselves trapped in this pattern of “nothing-then-all,” but harm reduction offers a middle path. This includes planning for safer use, delaying or lowering doses, changing environments, staying hydrated and nourished, tracking triggers, and preparing exit strategies for when cravings hit. It also involves coordinating with medical providers to manage withdrawal risks and ensure safety. 

My background in addiction work is firmly rooted in harm reduction principles, and I bring this perspective into my work as a therapist. I am experienced in supporting individuals at all stages of their recovery, emphasizing steady progress at your own pace while always prioritizing your safety, well-being, and personal growth.

For Loved Ones: Boundaries Are a Form of Care

Partners and family often carry frustration, fear, grief, and guilt. Supporting someone doesn’t mean shrinking your life or doing the work for them. In therapy, we clarify boundaries (“I’m willing to drive you to appointments; I’m not willing to fund your use”), replace lectures with requests, and learn how to step out of power struggles with the substance. You can protect your well-being while staying connected; those aren’t opposites.

Try This Week (Small, Doable Experiments)

• The 10-Minute Delay: When an urge hits, set a timer for 10 minutes and do one neutral action (shower, short walk, text a friend). Re-evaluate after.

• Trigger Map: Write down the top three “when/where/with whom” patterns. Pick one to tweak this week (change time, place, or people).

• If-Then Plan: “If I feel the 4–7 pm slump, then I’ll eat, drink water, and text __ before deciding.”

• Use Log (No Judgment): Track what, when, how much, and how you felt before/after for seven days. Patterns beat hunches.

• Boundary Script (for loved ones): “I care about you. I’m willing to __. I’m not willing to __. If __ happens, I’ll __. I’m here when you want support.”

Substance use thrives in secrecy and shame. Therapy offers a steady, non-judgmental place to tell the truth, reduce harm, and build the skills and structures that make change durable—whether that means drinking/using less, stopping altogether, or learning new ways to cope with pain, stress, or mental health challenges. If this perspective resonates, I work with individuals and with partners/families navigating a loved one’s use.

This article is for general information and isn’t a substitute for medical or mental-health care. Alcohol, benzodiazepine, and opioid withdrawal can be dangerous—consult a clinician. If you’re in crisis, call 988 in the U.S. or your local emergency number

You’re Not Doing Grief “Wrong”: What Talk Therapy Can Do in Times of Mourning

In the first session after a loss, people often apologize—for crying, for not crying, for forgetting words, for remembering too much. Grief isn’t a problem to fix; it’s a bond to carry. Talk therapy doesn’t erase grief. It helps you survive it, honestly – and still make room for love and meaning alongside pain.

Grief Is Not Linear—It’s Layered

You’re not only grieving a person or a diagnosis; you’re grieving secondary losses: routines, roles, future plans, a version of yourself. When we name those layers, your pain becomes more understandable and manageable. In sessions, we slow down the “shoulds” (I should be over it / I should be crying more/less) and replace them with permissions (I’m allowed to feel anger, relief, numbness, longing—sometimes all in an hour).

The Body Grieves, Too

Grief is physical: it manifests as brain fog, chest tightness, fatigue, and appetite swings. We stabilize the basics—sleep cues, sunlight, hydration, gentle movement—so your nervous system isn’t fighting on every front. My background in oncology social work also means I’m attuned to medical grief: scans, side effects, waiting rooms, and ambiguous outcomes. We create routines and language for appointments and family updates so the process feels less dehumanizing.

Meaning Emerges; It’s Not Assigned

Rituals (a weekly walk, a candle, a song), objects, and stories keep the connection alive without pretending the loss didn’t happen. In individual or group work, we practice “continuing bonds”—ways to stay in relationship with what was lost—while also reclaiming pieces of life that still want your attention. We move gently around guilt, anger, or relief; all are common travelers in grief.

Let meaning arrive on its own timeline. Your job is to make space, not manufacture answers.

You don’t have to carry this alone. Therapy offers a steady witness, practical scaffolding, and a place where nothing about your grief is “too much.” If this approach resonates, I offer confidential, affirming support (individual and groups)—in NYC and virtually for New Yorkers.

This article is for general information and isn’t a substitute for medical or mental-health care. If you’re in crisis, call 988 in the U.S. or your local emergency number.

Curiosity Over Performance: What Sex-Positive Therapy Really Means

Last week, three different people apologized to me before they even sat down. One worried they were “behind” in their sex life, another felt broken because desire had gone missing, and a third whispered a question they’d never said out loud. The common thread wasn’t their specific story—it was the shame they carried for having one.

Here’s my stance: sex-positive therapy isn’t about saying yes to everything; it’s about removing shame so you can choose what you actually want. Skills matter, education matters, and sometimes treatment matters—but none of it sticks if judgment is running the show.

Shame Is Louder Than Desire

We’re taught to treat sex like a performance review. Are you having enough? With the “right” person? In the “right” way? That scorekeeping turns curiosity into anxiety and intimacy into self-monitoring.

In the room, I see this all the time: people try to “fix” a symptom (low desire, difficulty with arousal or orgasm, pain) without addressing the climate around it—fear of conflict, people-pleasing, cultural or religious scripts, trauma, or simply a nervous system that’s learned to brace. When we slow down and put shame on the table, pressure drops and information rises. Desire is quieter than shame; you have to make enough quiet to hear it.

Takeaway: If sex feels like a test, you’re grading, not relating. Trade evaluation for observation.

Labels Help—Until They Trap Us

I work with folks across the LGBTQIA+ spectrum and with many who are questioning or expanding identity. Labels can be liberating; they offer language, community, and relief. But a label that was once a doorway can become a rule book if we forget it’s descriptive, not prescriptive.

The same goes for diagnosis. “Dysfunction” can sound like a verdict when it’s really a cluster of solvable problems—some medical, some relational, some nervous-system-based. Sex-positive work doesn’t erase labels; it right-sizes them. You’re allowed to evolve. You’re allowed to be fluid. You’re allowed to be consistent.

 Safety First, Then Techniques

People often ask for “tools.” Tools are useful—breathwork, scheduling intimacy,, communication frameworks, pelvic floor referrals, values mapping. But tools without safety become another way to “do it right.”

Safety isn’t a vibe; it’s a set of agreements: we move at the speed of consent, we honor boundaries without pouting, we welcome no’s, we repair when we miss each other, and we keep private things private. In that container, techniques create learning instead of pressure. Outside of it, techniques can feel like homework you’re failing. Techniques work when your body believes you’re safe. Build the container before the curriculum.

Allyship Is a Practice, Not a Badge

I have a long history of allyship with LGBTQIA+ clients and communities, and I keep learning—because allyship is ongoing work, not an identity. It means I expect to be corrected, I update my language, and I don’t assume your experiences from my perspective. A truly sex-positive space is inclusive by design, not by exception.

When people tell me they’ve felt judged, pathologized, or fetishized in previous care, I take that seriously. Affirming care isn’t “I won’t judge you.” It’s “I will advocate for your agency, dignity, and joy—and we will name the systems that made this harder than it needed to be.”

Embracing Sex-Positivity…final thoughts

Sex-positive therapy, at its core, is an invitation to tell the truth without punishing yourself for it. It makes room for the full range of sexual experiences—curiosity, ambivalence, exuberance, tenderness, grief—and treats them as data, not defects. If you’ve only ever known sex as a place to perform or prove, there’s another way to relate: slower, kinder, more honest, and ultimately more satisfying.

Quick Experiments to Try This Week

• Swap goals: Replace “I should want more” with “I want to learn how my desire actually works.”

• De-performance a moment: Choose one encounter to be exploratory, not evaluative. No goals; just notice.

• Practice a boundary: Write (and say) one sentence you’ve been avoiding: “I’m not into that,” or “I want to go slower.”

• Upgrade consent: Ask, “What would make this feel safer or freer for you?” Then listen like the answer is gold.

• De-shame your questions: Write them down as if you were asking a doctor who’s unshockable. Bring them to therapy—or answer one for yourself with compassion.
  

  This article is for general information and is not a substitute for medical or mental-health care.