Removing Negativity from Your Relationship: An Imago Therapy Perspective
Even the strongest relationships can get clouded by negativity — the criticism, sarcasm, or defensiveness that creeps in when we’re feeling hurt or disconnected. It’s not that couples intend to be unkind; often, negativity becomes the language of self-protection. But over time, it builds walls where there should be bridges.
From an Imago therapy lens, negativity isn’t simply “bad behavior” — it’s a barrier to connection and safety. It tells us that something deeper is stirring underneath, usually an old wound that’s been touched in the present moment. Learning to remove negativity doesn’t mean suppressing your feelings; it means transforming the way you express them, so your partner can actually hear you.
Why Negativity Shows Up
In Imago theory, we believe we are unconsciously drawn to partners who resemble our early caretakers — not because we want to repeat old pain, but because we long to finally heal it. When conflict arises, our partner’s tone or actions can inevitably activate those old experiences of not being seen, valued, or protected.
Negativity as Self-Protection
Then we respond with negativity as a means of protecting ourselves. We attack because that old feeling of rejection or abandonment comes up but we are not yet able to name it. Lashing out will of course trigger our partner to become defensive and any chance for connection is lost. Instead we are stuck in a feedback loop of hurt, anger, and distance.
The Cost of Negativity
When negativity dominates, the emotional climate of the relationship shifts. Partners stop feeling like allies and begin to bristle and shrink, bracing for impact. Safety is the foundation of intimacy and we erode any trace of it with each negative encounter. Conversations become short and focused on logistics and demands, while moments of warmth and laughter fade.
When Partners Stop Feeling Like Allies
Relationship researcher John Gottman found that happy and successful relationships have an average of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. He talked about the need for building an emotional bank account, with positive and caring interactions as deposits and negative interactions as withdrawals. The “magic ratio”ensures there are enough deposits to balance the withdrawals that inevitably occur during conflict.
What Removing Negativity Really Means
Replacing Reactivity with Curiosity
Removing negativity doesn’t mean avoiding conflict entirely or pretending things aren’t upsetting to you. It means committing to a new way of engaging — one that replaces our heightened reactivity with curiosity and empathy.
How the Imago Dialogue Changes Conflict
The core Imago tool for this shift is the Imago Dialogue, a structured process that helps couples slow down, mirror what they’ve heard, validate their partner’s experience, and empathize with their feelings.
When negativity arises, instead of reacting negatively, one partner might say:
“When you said that, I felt criticized.”
Your partner is much less likely to jump to defensiveness, as opposed to our saying “Why did you say that? That was mean!” This small change — which takes work and practice to achieve - turns a moment of rupture into a chance for repair.
Healing Through Conscious Connection
From Defensiveness to Vulnerability
As couples begin to remove negativity, they often discover something profound: the partner they’ve been defending against is also the partner who can help them heal.
Turning Rupture into Repair
By speaking from vulnerability instead of frustration, both people begin to feel seen. The “space between” them becomes safer and warmer. Over time, negativity is replaced by a sense of conscious connection, which is the central goal of Imago work.
A Practice, Not Perfection
Removing negativity is not a one-time fix but an ongoing practice. It asks each partner to notice when they are feeling heightened reactivity, and to pause. Then one must consciously choose connection rather than attack, closeness and empathy rather than trying to “win” an argument.
Choosing Connection Over Winning
The creator of Imago therapy Harville Hendrix wrote, “Conflict is growth trying to happen.”
When we remove negativity, we stop wounding each other in familiar ways and start healing each other in new ones. That’s the power of doing this work together — turning the friction of relationship into the very path of transformation.
If you’d like to have a conversation with NYC Therapist Laura Roemer about exploring couples therapy or individual therapy, please schedule a phone consultation here.
