Couples: Change the Pattern, Not the Partner – Stop Arguing the Facts

Most couples come in hoping I’ll arbitrate which one of you is right about “The Thing That Happened.”  But the “thing” is never the real problem; it’s the pattern that a couple falls into under stress.

As an Imago Relationship Therapist, I make sure that the work provides the structure needed to exit that pattern—so you can hear each other, soothe the threat, and make changes that actually stick.

It’s Not You vs. Me; It’s Us vs. the Cycle

Imago starts with a reframe: your partner isn’t your enemy—your nervous systems are reacting to old templates. Under pressure, one of you pursues, the other protects; both feel unseen. When we name the loop and externalize it, the fight gets smaller and the two of you get bigger. Naming it is the first de-escalation.

Safety Before Solutions: Zero Negativity + Agreements

Skills won’t land if your bodies feel under attack. Imago builds safety through zero negativity (no blame, shame, or sarcasm) and shared rules of engagement: time-limited talks, gentle tone, no interruptions, and a clear plan to pause and resume if either of you feels flooded or shut down.

The Imago Dialogue: Three Moves That Change Everything

Imago Dialogue is a simple yet powerful communication tool that can profoundly improve how we connect with others. It emphasizes active listening and understanding rather than trying to fix or judge. By accurately reflecting what the other person is saying, we reduce their sense of threat and prevent misunderstandings that can escalate into defensiveness. 

When we validate their feelings and reasoning, we create a space where they feel genuinely seen and heard, which helps separate their impact on us from their intentions. This process of empathetic connection fosters a sense of safety, promoting closeness and trust. 

Ultimately, Imago Dialogue teaches that truly understanding someone must come first, and finding solutions comes later. A meaningful connection begins with listening and validation rather than immediate problem-solving. The practice is brief and intentional, cultivating a more compassionate and effective way of communicating in any relationship.

Caring Behaviors & Stretching

Repair isn’t just about stopping the hurt; it’s about adding warmth. Create a Caring Behaviors list (tiny things that make you feel loved and seen: making coffee, a check-in text, sitting together without screens). Imago also invites stretching—doing a small act that’s a bit outside your comfort zone for your partner’s sake (the avoidant initiates; the pursuer gives spacious yeses)

Try This Week (Imago Mini-Practice)

1. Zero-Negativity for 24 Hours

   •No criticism, sarcasm, eye-rolls. If you slip, say, “Redo?” and restate gently.
   

2. One Behavior Request
   •Sender offers three tiny options; Receiver picks one to practice daily for seven days.
   

3. Caring Behaviors
   •Each of you lists 10 small actions that feel good. Trade lists. Do two items this week.

Couples therapy rooted in Imago gives you a structured way to slow the storm, feel understood, and turn empathy into action. You don’t need to agree on everything; you need a reliable process to come back to each other—especially when it’s hard.

If this resonates, I offer compassionate, Imago-informed couples work to help you map the cycle, build safety, and practice the small changes that change everything.

This article is for general information and isn’t a substitute for medical or mental-health care. If you’re in crisis or experiencing violence, seek immediate help via 988 in the U.S. or your local emergency number.

Therapy Is Human Work: Why Talk Therapy—Not AI—Heals

There’s no substitute for being understood by another person in real time. Apps can mimic conversation; they cannot offer care. Talk therapy heals because it’s a living human relationship with accountability, nuance, and attunement. That’s not a feature you can download—it’s something two people build together.

The Relationship Is the Treatment

Good therapy isn’t just advice. It’s co-regulation: a trained clinician tracks your words, your pauses, your breath, your micro-expressions—and adjusts in the moment. We remember what you avoid, we notice when shame spikes, we slow down when your nervous system says “too much,” and we return to hard places with you, not from a script.

Safety, Ethics, and Real Accountability

Therapists are bound by professional ethics and confidentiality; we assess risk, pace trauma work, and intervene when needed. If something escalates, we don’t just give a disclaimer—we take responsibility, collaborate on safety plans, and connect you to urgent care if necessary. That duty of care is the backbone of therapy.  

Rupture and Repair increase Capacity for growth

In any relationship, misunderstandings and mistakes happen. I might sometimes misunderstand you, and you might sometimes feel I’ve missed your intention. The important thing is that we acknowledge these moments, talk about them, and work through them together. 

This process of repairing after disagreements within the therapeutic relationship models what a healthy relationship can be like. It shows that conflicts do not have to lead to separation and helps transform your understanding of closeness and trust, demonstrating that honest repair can strengthen connections rather than weaken them.

Context, Culture, and Lived Experience
Your unique history, cultural identity, and environment shape what support looks like for you. A human therapist thoughtfully considers these elements, recognizing the influence of cultural nuances, power dynamics, and the prejudices you may have faced. Therapy is tailored to your specific needs, with adjustments in language, pace, and goals to ensure relevance and respect. We understand that you are more than just a set of symptoms—you are a whole person, and effective care requires deeply honoring your personal context and lived experience. This approach fosters trust, validates your identity, and creates a safe space for healing that truly reflects who you are. This is not something any robot or app can offer.

Privacy and Dignity
Therapy starts with a clear, informed agreement about confidentiality, boundaries, and limits. You’ll know exactly who is present in the session, how your information will be handled, and what steps will be taken if you’re in danger. Your privacy is sacred, and your story is never treated as data for a larger dataset. Instead, it’s held with the utmost respect and care, honoring your dignity and ensuring you feel safe to open up and explore your innermost thoughts and feelings. Maintaining your trust and confidentiality is fundamental to creating a space where genuine growth and healing can occur.

Your most vulnerable moments deserve clear, human stewardship.

The future will keep inventing clever tools. That’s fine. But healing—the kind that widens your life and deepens your relationships—remains stubbornly human. If you want a space where your story is heard, your patterns are challenged, and your growth is supported by a steady, accountable relationship, that’s what talk therapy offers.

If this perspective resonates, I offer confidential, affirming talk therapy—virtual and in person—focused on real change grounded in real connection.

This article is for general information and isn’t a substitute for medical or mental-health care. If you’re in crisis, call 988 in the U.S. or your local emergency number.

Two Truths at Once: Holding Hope and Grief Through Infertility, IVF, and Pregnancy Loss

After my own pregnancy loss, I learned how quickly grief collides with logistics—labs, forms, calendars, acronyms. People offered hope as if it were medicine; some days it helped, some days it hurt. Here’s my stance: therapy can’t promise an outcome, but it can restore your footing in a process built on uncertainty. We make space for grief without abandoning hope—and for hope without denying grief.

You’re Not Broken—you’re in an Uncertain System

Fertility work invites control: track, time, optimize, perform. When cycles don’t go as planned, many people blame their bodies or their willpower. In therapy, we separate you from the process. We name what’s human (grief, anger, jealousy, relief, numbness) and what’s structural (waiting rooms, costs, medical care’s structure, ambiguous answers). That shift reduces self-blame and gives you back agency where it actually lives—how you care for yourself, how you set boundaries, how you make the next decision.

Grief Happens Before, During, and After

Loss here is layered: failed cycles, chemical pregnancies, miscarriages, endings you had to choose. That’s grief—even when others don’t recognize it. We practice “continuing bonds” (rituals, names, letters), mark anniversaries intentionally, and allow conflicting feelings to sit together. You’re allowed to love a future you imagined and still consider new paths if you want them. You’re allowed to pause. You’re allowed to stop.

Protect Your Nervous System, Not Just Your Calendar

Fertility care is physically and emotionally loud. We build “treatment hygiene”: predictable routines, sleep and light anchors, food before appointments, a post-appointment plan (walk, call, meal, nap). We prep for triggers—social media, baby showers, medical portals—and create scripts for updates so you don’t have to relive the story every time. With partners, we swap problem-solving marathons for short, scheduled check-ins so connection doesn’t become collateral damage.

There’s no “right” way to move through infertility, IVF, or pregnancy loss. There is just your way—held with compassion, steadied by structure, and witnessed by someone who won’t rush you. If this perspective resonates, I offer confidential, affirming support for women navigating these paths (and for partners who want to help without losing themselves).

This article is for general information and is not a substitute for medical or mental-health care. If you’re in crisis, call 988 in the U.S. or your local emergency number.

Stop Chasing “Happy”: How Talk Therapy Actually Helps With Depression

On paper, depression looks like a list of symptoms. In real life, it feels like time has slowed down and sped up at the same time: mornings weigh a ton, conversations blur, and the things you used to love now feel far away. Most people come to therapy asking, “How do I get rid of this?” It's important to understand that the goal isn't to force yourself to feel happy all the time. Instead, it's about rebuilding your ability to experience and handle your emotions. Talk therapy helps you recognize, name, and respond to what you're going through, so over time, your life becomes richer and less defined by your symptoms. 

Therapy Isn’t Positive Thinking—It’s Pattern Rewriting

Depression isn’t just sadness; it’s a set of loops—thoughts, body states, habits—that keep shrinking your world. In good therapy, we map those loops and change how you relate to them. Sometimes that means tending to old grief. Sometimes it means building habits that spark momentum. Sometimes it means practicing conversations that your nervous system has learned to avoid. 

Techniques are important, but what really makes therapy work is the relationship between you and your therapist: one that is steady, honest, and free of shame. As the mental fog starts to lift even a little, you can begin to move toward the things that truly matter to you—rather than just trying to escape your pain.

Mood Follows Moves

Most people wait to feel motivated before they act. With depression, motivation often shows up after the smallest action—never before. In therapy, we make actions microscopic and repeatable: taking a five-minute walk around the block, texting one friend, splashing water on your face, opening the blinds. This isn’t productivity; it’s re-training a stalled system to start. Don’t negotiate with your mood. Pick one tiny move you’ll be able to do no matter how you feel.

Name the Loop, Shrink the Loop

Depression talks in absolutes: “always,” “never,” “what’s the point.” When we slow down the inner monologue—What just happened? What did I tell myself? What did my body do next?—the loop becomes visible and therefore changeable. We practice swapping debate for description, guilt for curiosity, and perfectionism for “good enough today.”

Safety First, Then Skills (Especially in NYC)

New York is vibrant and relentless. The pace, noise, crowds, and comparison can flood your system so thoroughly that rest feels suspicious. Before we layer on skills, we build conditions: predictable sessions, clear boundaries, and small, protected pockets of quiet. Once you’ve built a foundation of understanding and resilience, practical skills like scheduling enjoyable activities, identifying your core values, or gradually facing situations you’ve been avoiding become much more effective. 

In a city that never stops, finding spaces and moments of calm and self-care is essential for true recovery. Sometimes, you need to create those quiet, meaningful places for yourself in the midst of the chaos.

Quick Experiments for This Week

• Two-Minute Rule: Choose one task and do it for exactly two minutes. Stop on purpose. Momentum beats marathons.

• Name + Next: When a heavy thought shows up, label it (“that’s the ‘I’m failing’ story”) and pick a next action (“put on shoes”).

• Sun + Human: Get direct light in your eyes before screens, and exchange a real hello with a real person.

• Shrink the Goal: If “work out” is too big, “stretch for 60 seconds” is not. Success should feel slightly boring.

• Pleasure Without Permission: Schedule one small pleasure that serves no purpose—music in the shower, a good coffee, a park bench.

REMEMBER: Depression convinces you that you’re stuck this way. You’re not. With the right support, your world can get wider again—more options, more steadiness, more honest connection to yourself and the people you care about. If this approach resonates, I offer confidential, affirming therapy in NYC and virtual sessions for New Yorkers who need flexibility.

This article is for general information and isn’t a substitute for medical or mental-health care; if you’re in crisis, call 988 in the U.S. or your local emergency number.