That little lady ain't no walking baby factory.

I thought this was going to be more fun....

Ahhhh....the hometown dates episode, where we get to see what's really going on in the hearts and minds of America's families and learn that apparently, you can cook and eat dinner at a hair salon. Who knew? Did that strike anyone else as extremely unappetizing??

Anyway, so the show opened with a lovely replay of dear Hillary's mental breakdown and for once, I agreed with them -- that was worth taking another look at! We also opened with a shower shot of Brad which didn't last nearly long enough. I mean, with all the camera time given to those girls in their bikinis?


Jenni, will you accept this rose...and stop wearing hoop earrings?

So first Brad flew to Wichita to see where Jenni got her start as a semi-professional dancer and discover that, perhaps, they don't have much to talk about! Their conversation seemed sort of forced to me when they were at that theatre. Maybe, besides kissing, there isn't that much else there. Sometimes good chemistry doesn't mean you're in love! And they're not. Not that they might not be someday. But long-distance?? Not likely! Don't get me wrong. I think it's very cool that she has something she's passionate about other than him. And that she actually puts that something before a relationship. She actually sets an example rarely seen on this show - of a woman with more than marriage on her mind. That said....I don't think they have a shot long distance.

So, I know I should talk about Jenni's Grandma and her wacky comments, but really, it's too easy and I think this week's title says it all.


Don't worry, you're still someone's ONE....

Throughout the whole episode, they kept showing teasers of Sheena's mom "blowing Brad's mind" with her kooky new-age routine and I was sure they were blowing it way out of proportion. I was wrong. That woman was a few tarot cards short of a deck. She was truly frightening. And Brad's face was absolutely priceless when he was listening to her go on and on about the stars and his eyes and all that. I would love to see the outtakes of his interview about that hometown date!! Like maybe him saying that Sheena's mom was clearly a total loon who didn't have a clue about what was really going on with her daughter. Brad and Sheena have NO chemistry -- it's so obvious.


I think we have a match. I give them six months.

Ok, so on to DeAnna and those fabulous Georgia accents! I just love them! And she came to meet him with a basket of peaches! It was adorable. She truly is adorable. Wow, I think I have a little crush on DeAnna. I guess I've found my favorite. I thought Brad fit right in with her family, even if he did refer to them as a big fat Greek stereotype. And, he also used that same line about "I don't meet people like your daughter often..." I love that he said that about more than one girl -- kind of makes it a lie, no? But we'll forgive him that because he was nervous and he's polite, and gosh darnit, the man did three shots of uzo and didn't flinch.


Not for long....

Well, so let's finally get to my favorite hometown date. You know, the one that went really really badly. And correct me if I'm wrong, Bachelor fans, but that has to be the worst reception I've ever seen a family give one of these guys. Sure, we've had religious types get uppity, and overprotective fathers pull out firearms -- but this was the worst display of openly hostile, unwelcome snobbery that I've ever seen! It would be nice if he had a PhD?? Really, that's how you determine the value of someone your daughter is dating? Sure, it would be worse to judge someone based on money, but to assume he's unworthy because he had only one semester of college and then made millions owning his own business is just closed-minded and stupid. And then, for her father to actually say that her first husband was so wonderful when obviously, his daughter didn't think so! How's that for supporting your child's decisions?? Her family was thoroughly disrespectful. I don't care what your opinion is about the stupid reality show. They never gave the guy a chance. And good for Brad for saying so. When he said, "I'm intelligent enough not to judge people," I stood in my living room and cheered.

So I think that the only reason that Bettina didn't get sent home was that he only had to get rid of one person and that had to be Sheena, because there was nothing between them. (despite her delusions to the contrary). Poor Brad has had more mascara dripped on his shoulder....

So, in my opinion, DeAnna and Jenni will undoubtedly be the last two standing.

See you next week when I think Brad's less attractive twin makes another appearance....

We're happy. Done deal. Best Friends. True Love.

Is Jenni the girl to beat?


Hi again, kids! So, I think this has to be one of the funniest episodes I've ever seen. I was just laughing the whole way through. I mean, you knew the way they were plugging Bettina's meltdown that it was going to be good, but the actual moment was just really sad. What was hilarious was how before every commercial break, they found a new way to crazily exaggerate what was coming up, until they finally said: "Coming up, the most shocking goodbye EVER -- when Hillary LOSES HER MIND." That's what they actually said!!! I thought I must have imagined it at first!! Like that's something that I would say out loud to make fun of the show! I really think that Chris Harrison was just joking around at rehearsal, and he said that, and they just kept it because it was freaking hilarious.


Somebody get me away from this crazy woman.


Oh -- I know. Poor thing was so confused she thought Brad was saying he loved her when he was saying you're going home. Although, he did say he wanted to be straight with her and then I didn't understand a word he was saying. I think he was just so nervous because he KNEW she just did not compute. 'Cause she's talking to the camera about her wedding dress, and their great chemistry....and man, it was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. But when you wrap up your entire life's hopes and dreams into this guy you've known for 2 weeks who you've never so much as kissed....that is a serious reach. What got me the most, was when she said, "I just wanted my daddy to be proud of me." Yeeesh. That was basically just an engraved invitation to therapy, girl. Get yourself some, fast.


The virginal divorcée.


Alright, enough about her. Let's move on to girls who have a shot. First off, is Bettina, who had her one on one with Brad and continued to play her hard-to-get routine. I think that's smart. Throw him off track about you being divorced (used goods) by making yourself seem virginal. Interesting tactic. He's definitely wanting more. And she does bring out a sweetness in Brad. I like that he's so supportive and patient with her, but I just don't think she's it. I think she's just kind of a mystery to him, and he's hanging around till he figures it out, but then he'll be done.


Group date cannonballs!


So the group date was hardly a date at all. It was basically a bikini party and a chance for Kristy to show, yet again, that she is the most boring woman in the world. How can you be that self-conscious and go on television???? It's a mystery.

I like Brad's chemistry with DeAnna. And I like her. That accent is just adorable and she is cute as a button. They seem genuinely relaxed and like they're crushing big time on each other! Of course, right after they had their sweet talk, he went and made out with Jenni. She's the big competition still.

Next was the other one-on-one, which went to Sheena. Now he's kept her around solely on the basis that his twin brother had a thing for her. That's just weird. But thank goodness he did, because Sheena gave us the most hilarious moment of the night which of course, I had to rewind and watch at least six times. I could watch that girl falling all night, it was so unbelievably hysterical. I mean the whole set-up of it -- with the dress, and the entrance and she's coming down the stairs and he's watching her.....boom. Wow, that just has to be the most embarrassing moment I can imagine, other than the top of her dress coming down. But at least that might have a sexiness factor to it! There is just nothing sexy or graceful or lovely about falling on your ass down a flight of stairs. Man, if she winds up marrying Brad, then MAYBE she might overcome her mortification over that. But even then, I'm not so sure. Actually, as a side-note: almost as embarrassing for her, in my opinion, was how many times she said "holy cow." Who says that over the age of six??


Sheena. Whatever.


Anyway, their date was nothing to write home about. Fancy dresses, diamond earrings, string quartet, first kiss in the moonlight....blah blah blah. See, the trick is having a night that is that romantic but there aren't seventeen producers organizing it. He didn't pick out those earrings, or arrange for the dresses or any of it! It's like romance in a can. Stale and old. Sure, it's the fantasy, the idea of romance, but not the real thing. I don't think there's real chemistry there. Just smoke and mirrors.

So, finally rose ceremony time. Or, crazy freak-out time! Tonight's episode was not about wondering who will go home? There was no doubt in my mind that Kristy would be the other girl sent home. There was zero going on there. And of course we knew since last week that Hillary got the boot. She's probably still crying!!

It's shaping up to be a good final four. I LOVE the home-town dates: crazy grandmas, subtle threats and overprotective fathers.....it's a good time. And it looks like this time around, it's Bettina who wins the "there's no way I'm marrying into that family" award. I think it's a race between DeAnna and Jenni. Weird. Two brunettes and two blonds. And I gotta give the edge to the brunettes. Besides, we all know, it's not about who has more fun, it's who gets the guy.

See you next week!!

You're thinking about it like a game, not like a relationship.

Guess what-I'm going to have a nervous breakdown on national television!

Well, I don't know about you, but I can hardly focus on this week's episode when I am SO excited about watching NEXT week when Hillary finally has her (you heard it here last week) giant freak-out/breakdown. I really thought Brad was going to give her the boot this week, but I guess he wanted to string her along a while bit more, so that the meltdown would be real good and CRAZY. I cannot wait. Not to be callous about it, but this IS reality television. And anyone who goes on a show like this, and gets their self-esteem entirely wrapped up in a guy they've known for two weeks is just asking for it. I don't dislike her, I just don't think she's quite, um, well.


I'm fun, damnit, I'm fun!!

So, I do have to say that so far, I am just not really feeling any of these girls! Where is our strong and genuine role model? There's usually one I am starting to root for at this point, but not this time. I think there are women with potential, but then they go and screw it up. Kristy is clearly intelligent, but extremely insecure and seems to have no idea about who she really is. She keeps telling Brad she wants him to see her "fun side." What does that even mean?? It's like she's auditioning for a part. Not being able to participate in the improv competition has nothing to do with talent or shyness...I think it simply showed that she's someone who isn't comfortable in her own skin. Take her out of her comfort zone and she's lost.


Just a pretty face?

So who's left? We have our obvious front-runner, Jenni. I think she is absolutely adorable but what else is she? I couldn't tell you one thing solid about the girl besides that she's a dancer. I think Brad is totally smitten but he doesn't know her any more than we do at this point. And I think she seems to genuinely like him, but her ongoing line is "I want you to fall in love with me." Now I think that's interesting. It's not a statement about her own feelings. Well, who doesn't want someone to fall in love with them? So that's hardly a deeply personal declaration. Brad is in the hard-core crush phase with her, so time will tell. Of course, he has to propose to someone in a few more weeks, so it might not be enough time.

Trish, how we need you!!

We also don't have a very good villain this season. They're trying to make the case for Jenni, but I don't buy it. I think she might be shallow and vain, but hardly psycho or manipulative. And Bettina being divorced is SO not the shocker they want it to be. Dumb Hillary said that she was like a used car with bad tires or some nonsense. That doesn't even make sense! And what, are the rest of you virgins?

So there was some trumped-up drama tonight with Jade vs. DeAnna, but it was never a contest. DeAnna sparkles and Brad's been all over it from the very beginning. He's never had chemistry with Jade and so there was no doubt. Really, the whole two-on-one date was just strange from start to finish. First off, did they even have a date? It seemed like they just sat at a table for an interview and then he eliminated one of them. The girls competed over who has had the harder life, which was just odd. But the best was when Brad was comforting a just-rejected Jade, who was crying and inconsolable and he said, "this is one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life." Um, hello! You just shattered this girl and you're talking about how you're uncomfortable!! But somehow, that guy's aw-shucks routine just kills every time, because Jade actually responded by saying, "You're a great guy!!" I'm not saying he isn't, I just don't think that was one of his best moments! The whole thing was just weird, right up to the end when they very casually showed Brad and DeAnna groping in the hot tub like it was an after-thought! Why didn't we get to see more of that part? That was the actual date. Very weird.

But I guess it was more important to move on to find out "whose dream of marrying a Texas millionaire will be crushed FOREVER????" Stop saying that, please!!



So finally, we got to the cocktail party, which felt like a funeral. No one was talking above a whisper and half the girls were crying. McCarten knew she was a goner so she started saying that she didn't want to play the stupid game anyway!! She took the elementary school approach, which I appreciate. Kristy made yet another case for her non-existent fun side, DeAnna made wedding plans, and Bettina called Jenni a slut and a liar. Behind her back. See, she's a slut because she had the first kiss and she's a liar because she didn't tell anyone about it. Those are some tough rules. Since when is kissing slutty and since when is it appropriate to tell girls who like the same guy that you kissed him? Jenni can't win for losing with any of them. The front-runner will always get massacred. But Bettina better keep it together, because she's starting to head down the same road as Hillary -- she may be two episodes away from losing it.

Well, we are left with just six ladies and we already know that Hillary is heading out in a straight-jacket. I think Kristy is also on her way out....can't wait to find out. See you all next week.

It's just that those special parts weren't parts that he was looking for.

Solisa. I, for one will really miss you.

Wow. So first and foremost, I have to thank Solisa for providing me with my favorite title quote of all time. And just because it was that priceless, here is her complete statement after the Bachelor's not-so-shocking rejection: "He did see the very special parts of me..." (um, yes, we all did.) "....because I wear those special parts on the outside." (and your no-no place on the inside?) "....so it's just that those special parts weren't parts that he was looking for unfortunately." I mean, you have to give the woman credit. She knows herself. She is not a woman of substance, wit or personality, but of very special parts. And she shook and jiggled and flaunted those parts as much as any human being possibly could. So the fact that perhaps Brad was looking for more than "parts" was just a little bit beyond dear Solisa's grasp. I'm sorry to see her go.

So, back to episode 3, which brought us our first one-on-one date and our first EVER identical twin switcheroo. What more could you possibly ask for??

But first, we must have more absurdly located group dates!! Like the circus! A more romantic location I cannot imagine. Of course, they did get the VIP circus experience, which still left a lot to be desired on the romantic front. They got to mingle backstage with the elephants, and Brad got to make brilliant observations like, "Wow, she is so big." And we got to see that Jenni still holds the early lead in Brad's eyes, but that Stephy is actually sweet and adorable, contrary to a not-so-stellar first impression, in my opinion.


Kristy, take it down a notch.

The other group date was a bit more appropriate - the gals went sailing with Brad, and got to ride on jet skis. (Were those jet skis? I don't know. I'm a writer, I don't get out much....) Brad surprisingly took to Kristy, which was nice to see, since she seems to be one of the brightest of the bunch. But I have to say, I thought she was forcing it, and is way too methodical about "trying" to seem carefree and all. It felt awkward and I was actually pretty shocked that he responded to her so positively.

Then, Bettina fessed up about being a divorcee. Big fat deal. Well, Brad did look shocked and I guess it's kind of a major thing but if she doesn't have kids, I don't really see how it's any different than having a previous serious relationship. I think she said it was only a year and a half, and she was young. I don't think she should have made it seem like it was such a dramatic announcement and then maybe he wouldn't have been so taken aback. And if he judges her as someone without "family values" or some such conservative/religious bullshit, then she should tell him to kiss off till he walks a day in her shoes. Nuf said.

Hillary, woman of many faces.

So Hillary got the one-on-one. Here's another girl -- kind of like Stephy -- who looks different in every episode. I cannot get a finger on this girl, as Brad would say. Sometimes she looks young and pretty, and other times she looks old and tired. Did you ever see that Seinfeld where he dates the girl who's beautiful sometimes and then randomly looks like something you find at the bottom of a coffee cup? That's like this girl. I don't trust it. AND, she's kind of a pathetic basket case!!! Who cries on a first date?? Who is so desperate that the slightest attention from a decent guy is cause for open weeping? As I was watching, I felt bad for her because I was sure that Brad would be totally freaked out by it and not give her a rose. But then I realized that he definitely would give her a rose because he really didn't want to see what she'd do if he didn't! I will give him major points for telling her that she looked more beautiful than ever with the mascara streaking down her face. That was good. I once had a guy I was dating tell me I still looked beautiful even though I had a giant cold sore on my lip. I would have kissed him for saying that too...(if not for the giant cold sore). But yes -- Hillary cried, made a total fool of herself, and didn't get rejected. It's reality TELEVISION people, not reality.


Chris Harrison, king of hyperbole.

So this brings us to my favorite moment of the show, or as Chris Harrison would say, "the most SHOCKING cocktail party EVER IN BACHELOR HISTORY!!!" Man, they need to get better writers for this show. We got to meet the identical twin, Chad. Um, yes. Their names are Chad and Brad. Wow. You just can't make this shit up.

So, Brad figures that if a girl doesn't recognize that they're not talking to the real him, then they probably don't have real feelings for him. It's a credible premise, but I think that all the experiment proved was which girls were dumb as rocks, and which weren't. Which is why I am SO pissed that they didn't show ALL of the girls meeting Chad!! What was up with that?? We didn't get to see how Jenni and Stephy and the other front-runners did on the identical twin challenge! Totally bogus. I thought it was such an interesting social experiment that I could have watched a whole hour of just Chad trying to fool them over and over.

Oh well. maybe there's extended footage on the website. Someone let me know, will you?

So, Lindsey and Sarah failed the twin test (hence, dumb as rocks) and so, they got the boot. We didn't get to see Solisa's twin test but I can only imagine that she was too busy shaking her rump to see that she was shaking it for the wrong guy. She too, of course, was sent packing -- with her g-strings, bikinis, and all of her very special parts.

See you guys next week.

Way to be a shot glass.

Will you marry me? (At least until the finale airs, and we're already broken up).

Well, first can we just have a moment of silence (or a moment of sarcasm) for little miss pretzel girl, who as I said, will NEVER live that moment down, especially now that it's a centerpiece of the clip package played at the beginning of the show. Poor girl, I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time....


"Didn't the whole emergency room thing work for Bevin?"

So another season, another ambulance. Some poor injured Bachelorette always has to fall on her head or break her ankle and get carted away. Miss Michelle was lucky they didn't seem to have a clip of her actually falling, because something tells me THAT would also become a popular scene to play in the future. Or, have I become too cynical? Nah, probably not. I mean, did anyone catch the teaser right after we saw Michelle taken away in traction, and we didn't know if she was completely paralyzed? Chris Harrison says: "Next, on The Bachelor... WILL Michelle return??" (serious music, sound of screaming sirens, shots of shocked horrified faces). "And then...." (cut to body shots, Solisa running topless, girls downing drinks) "It's the sexiest date in Bachelor history!!!" Way to segue, Chris.

Oh yeah, they'd show her falling if they had it.

So, back to group dating. I wonder if the Bachelor people ever think of changing things up a little. It's not like their formula has been so foolproof for these relationships. They did add that First Impression Rose business a few seasons back, but I just think the whole group-dating thing is absurd. I know it would be time-consuming, but I think he should have one-on-one dates with all the girls. Like maybe quick little dates, like the way you meet a blind date over coffee -- 20 minutes is all it really takes to know if you can see yourself spending your life with someone, right? At least, potentially. But the group-dating is so unnatural, unless you're a polygamist, I guess.

The first group date was to the racetrack, naturally. Huh? OK, I guess the girls got to wear big hats. Is that a plus? Anyway, while on the date, Brad got the serious news about Michelle's situation and the girls were of course, immediately suspicious. But Brad did say to them, "She CLAIMS to have a mild concussion." Why would he say it that way? Not that the girls needed a push to start assuming she was faking. Man, this show brings out the best in people. I think Sheena summed up that good spirit best when she said about Michelle's tragedy, "To be honest, that's one person down." Ouch.


DeAnna, non-slut.

OK, back to the races. DeAnna is obviously an early front-runner and I have to say, I like her. She has a natural good energy and honesty about her, unlike McCarten, whose brilliant plan to get the first kiss was a huge success. Yay! You got the first kiss, and it was totally awkward and uncomfortable -- good job! I love how after Brad gave DeAnna the rose, all the girls were sitting around, furiously trying to figure out what it was about her that made him like her. It didn't seem to occur to them that maybe he just um, liked her. Not because she had the cutest dress, or the tightest ass, or the wildest story. Does natural chemistry really not occur to them? It's like they think it's all about getting the most attention, even negative attention. The saddest display of such misguided thinking was undoubtedly Miss Solisa on Group date #2, which let us just call "Sluts on Parade." I mean, they literally paraded.

"Look how cute MY swimsuit is!" But, girls. Here's the problem. You've all got boobs!! How will he know how to choose one of you? I know! If we can do cartwheels in our bikinis, maybe that will set us apart!! But wait -- more than one of us can do cartwheels! Crap, think fast. I know, I know!! He can do a body shot off my chest!!!!! Damn, why didn't I think of that!!

Holy shit, Solisa! I blame our sexist society (and perhaps poor parenting) on the fact that nobody ever told her that it takes more than tits to get a man. "I want him to see that I'm a free spirit. And what better way than to make him take a shot off me?" They need to have a therapist who comes in an ambulance at moments like that.


Solisa, slut-like.

Anyway, the first true non-awkward kiss went to sweet and pretty Jenni, who seems to have a heart of gold....and apparently, a modeling career. Whatever. Those girls are just jealous, they sense that he really likes her, and so they tried to destroy her with whatever they could find. It's Junior High all over again. Although, I will give Jade credit for resisting the urge to name names when she talked to Brad. It was just killing her to not tell him, but she actually learned from shows past that the back-stabbing girl is usually punished for her bad behavior. Good girl.

Mallory, however, did not learn from past mistakes....although I'm not sure "learning" is quite her strong suit. She blew her last 5 minutes with Brad big time. And sadly, so did Michelle, who was under SO much pressure to make herself stand out in her speed-date after having no date-time at all. I could not believe that Brad sent poor crippled Michelle home and kept SOLISA, rewarding her for all that bad behavior. Such a shame. Brad - what were you thinking??? Very questionable decision. He's on notice.

So, will Brad find out about Jenni's secret modeling career? Will Sheena or McCarten say anything intelligent? Will Solisa take off all her clothes and roll around in jello? I can't wait to find out.

See you all next week! And by the way, the blog is always posted on Tuesdays....sorry to all of you who go to the computer right after the show Monday night, but i do need a day to process! Be patient with me, I promise to deliver!! Thanks for reading!