Jealousy is a Rampant Beast

First and foremost, i have to admit something. In all these seasons watching the Bachelor, this is the first time that I've been truly impressed by the guy. There have been some decent ones, and some real losers. (that pro football player comes to mind) but no one that i really thought was special enough to have his own shot at choosing from 25 adoring women. Even Lorenzo the Prince was sweet and all, but still not all he was cracked up to be. In fact, I am so sure that this guy Andy is the real deal, that I am going to go out on a major limb here and predict that he will be the first Bachelor to actually stay engaged, and GET MARRIED. (Okay before you start writing me, i know that Byron got married, but he was pushing 40 and therefore, his settling down wasn't all that impressive).

Elderly statesman Bachelor, Byron.

Now maybe I've been drinking the ABC kool-ade but i am buying what Andy's selling. He's genuine, thoughtful, smart, sensitive, and grounded. Color me impressed. My only gripe is that my column might suffer because I'm less and less inclined to be sarcastic and snotty the more crush-filled I become! It's a good thing those crazy ladies are there to keep me on my smart-ass toes, just when i start to get all doe-eyed and soft.....

So tonight was the night that i believe a true front-runner emerged: Bevin. I like her because she seems to really know who she is. All the girls got to go away with Andy to Tahoe for a romantic getaway. Who knew that nine girls and one guy on vacation together could lead to such drama? Um, just about anyone. So poor Bevin was feeling very understandably bummed because she was still hobbling around on crutches after her fall last week, and she felt self-conscious and left out. I thought this was totally understandable considering that a) they were going on a ski vacation and b) anyone who has ever been on crutches knows that they just ain't sexy. But of course all the girls were whining that she was milking her injury for attention. But she was genuinely feeling miserable and Andy genuinely wanted to make sure she was okay. Now you could argue that it's bad form to make out with one person while you're on a date with three other girls, but really, can there be any rules to this group date thing? The concept of the thing itself is insane so as far as i'm concerned, anything goes.

So then there was the spiral effect of Bevin getting all that attention. Stephanie Kansas got all pouty, and sure enough, then she got some alone-time. Then Danielle weaseled in and got her alone-time. But all of that was so forced! All the girls were jealous and trying to make something happen. But as we all know, you can't force a connection. And I think what we're seeing with Andy and Bevin is a genuine attraction between two people that is naturally making them gravitate towards each other. How cute were they in the elevator? When he said to her, "You are my sanctuary," I had to put down my chocolate pudding and watch it all over again. I'm telling you, kids. I smell a winner.

Snow-hating Bachelorette.

But, there was still another group date to go. This one took place on the slopes, much to the dismay of the spoiled brat of the week (now that Erin is gone), Kate. "I don't see the appeal of something that's cold and wet." Huh? Has anyone ever said anything so dumb?! It's snow, Kate! Not flesh-eating acid! I mean, what about other "cold and wet" horrors like say, ice cream?! The ocean?! Summer rain?! Iced Tea? Oh, Kate, you're about as deep as a mailbox.

So anyway, there was a lot more trash flying on the slopes than snow. The Queen of Trash herself, Stephanie South Carolina started in telling Andy how the girls are all getting annoyed that he's kissing people, and next Kate started in hinting that Amber is fake and of course that Stephanie SC is fake. And you can just see his eyes glazing over with disinterest. These girls have not found the appropriate mark for their trouble-making. He's a mature guy who has no desire to engage in this high school drama. It's unbelievable. Where did ABC find this guy? Did he not get the memo about how drama is what makes ratings? He's not having it, people. He chose sweet little no-drama med student Tina for his alone-time simply to have a stress-free evening. (Now personally, I think she's very sweet but i think she's got "friend" stamped on bold letters on her forehead). But i do have respect for her, which is more than i can say for Steph SC.

Does this sweatshirt go with my shoes??

So then it was time for Amber's one-on-one. Now i haven't said too much about Amber because frankly, she bores me. I think she's cute but she hasn't stood out as an individual too much to me. Andy seems to like her, but i think she's got some issues to still work out. Case in point, she obsessed like mad about her date to the point of driving all the girls crazy. (And after all that endless what-should-i-wear craziness, she came up with a gray turtleneck? That's what twelve hours of over-thinking got her?) Anyway, her date went well - she got a rose, make-out time in the hot tub, and fulfilled the ABC quota for one bikini shot per episode.

So the rose ceremony was tense-tense-tense. Steph SC was clearly starting to lose her grip. She coped by putting on her best Jennifer Lopez dress, and assured us of her confidence. "My relationship with Andy is very nurturing, especially on my side." Um, okay. Maybe you should say things in your head before you say them out loud, Steph. And Kate put the final nail in her coffin by talking further trash to Andy in the guise of feeling guilty about talking trash! These girls whine and whine about not getting enough time with the man, and then they waste all their time talking about the other girls.

So we officially have no more slutty, brainless, or drama-hounds left! We've got my fave, Tessa, my second fave and likely soon-to-be fiance Bevin, sweet-but-shy Steph Kansas, smart wild-card Danielle, and lil' sis/best friend soon-to-be-leaving (i predict they never kiss) Tina....

No more dancing for Nicole.

Just one moment of silence for Nicole, who i think got a bum rap in the competition. She never really got quality time with Andy (except for a few fox trots) and i liked her more and more with every episode. Yes, she was a little irrational about the whole Bevin injury, but she seemed to be a good person, a good friend to the other girls, and she just never really got her chance. So I won't lump her in with those other losers, Kate and Steph SC - they deserved to leave because of their immaturity, insanity and of course, because of their dislike of all things cold and wet.

Women that race cars are sexy.

Hey everyone - i apologize for the late posting....i found it hard to tear myself away from the Virginia Tech news this week and frankly, difficult to get in the mood for my favorite escapist drama, the Bachelor. But last night i finally managed and well, it felt good! It's important to be in touch with what's going on in the world and to never lose sight of how important that is, BUT i also believe it is important to remember what makes us feel good and to allow ourselves joy even in a time of grieving. Wow, give it a rest, Laura - it's a blog about reality tv, not Oprah. End of diatribe.

Andy, Andy, Andy....how do i love thee? Let me count the ways. One - you got rid of the green-haired Barbie doll finally. Two - you teared up when you had to let Peyton go. And Three - well, you look hot with mud all over you.


I heart Tessa.

I am dedicating this week's column to my favorite girl who just becomes more and more the front-runner in my eyes every week: Tessa. This girl is so gorgeous, but that's besides the point. She is so honest and real! And on a genre that calls itself "reality" tv, let me tell you, you can spot the actual real people pretty easily. Let's talk about Peyton, for example, dear sweet Sorority Queen Peyton. She told Andy that she was "crazy" about him! This was technically their first date!! If this was "reality," would any woman EVER say that, or even believe that she felt that way. I believe that she thought she was crazy about him, but how could she really be?? I believe in attraction at first sight, even an instant chemical connection, but "CRAZY?" I don't think so. She also told us that she was afraid of leaving with a "broken heart." Now isn't this just insulting to those of us who have actually suffered a true broken heart?? You know - a used tissues all over the bed, eyes burning from crying, empty twinkies box kind of broken heart?? She hardly knows this man yet she has given in to the reality tv show madness of believing that she should feel that way...which brings me to Tessa, who openly tells Andy how ambivalent she is about this whole bizarre experience. How it's not cool to live with the same girls your man is dating!! How she only remembers that she even wants to be there when she's alone with him! These are SANE reactions! And god bless him, Andy gets it. In fact, Tessa is the first girl who he has made the first move-in for the kiss. Yay Tessa.


Peyton and Tessa share.

My favorite moment by far of the show was Andy's downright creepy tour of the abandoned aircraft carrier. He wanted to show Tessa and Peyton where he works and what it's like to be on a ship and all that....okay, fine but what the heck was with that operating room scene?? Were those real people standing in a frozen tableau as if they were really operating?? Or, were they like weird animatronic disney (hello - ABC!) figures made to look like surgeons?? Is either option not totally freaky?? And then what was with his little "okay, um, so i'm the doctor and you're like 'hi doctor, i don't feel well" routine. Yes, Andy, we know you know how to use a stethoscope! The whole thing was so weird but in the end, still somehow totally endearing because he was trying SO hard to impress them. And it's like, dude - you're a triathalon doctor in the navy with a washboard stomach and your own show!! We like you, we really like you.

Bevin, injured bachelorette.

Anyway, there's more to talk about - let's have a moment of silence for Bevin, the "fallen soldier" who was lucky enough to get off-screen one-on-one time with Andy in the always romantic emergency room. The girls were actually quite jealous of this. And why did she inexplicably receive a watch for her suffering? Was that so she wouldn't sue ABC or that crazy drill sergeant, who i'd bet anything was an actor and not really in the military. Info on this, anyone?

And what about Andy saying about sixteen times that "women that race cars are sexy." As far as i know, there's like only one woman who actually races cars professionally, and while there are probably many amateur racers, is this really such an important feature for him? Um, i can drive - does that count?

Oh, Ken, you're so dreamy.

And finally, let's also have a moment of silence (or cheers - whatever) for the dismissal of Miss Barbie herself, Miss "I'm not prissy" Erin: she of the green hair, wonky eye, and silicone smile. It was her passiveness that supposedly did her in, but since when did utter lack of depth get excused as shyness? I think he saw through it. Alas, psycho Stephanie is still in the game, but reason number five why i love Andy -- he's beginning to question her sincerity. Yeah, ya think?

Her days are numbered.

Next week's column on time folks, i promise. Keep reading.

Operation Soulmate

Hello again, loyal Bachelor fans. First off, I know that you have many blogs to choose from, so I want to thank you for choosing to fly with me.

Folks, say hello to a bona fide catch, Mr. Andy Baldwin. Now we know I'm not exactly into the man-in-uniform thing, but this guy seems to genuinely know what he wants and he actually seems to value personality, intelligence and chemistry over looks!! Radical. Granted, all of these women are fairly attractive -- a true random sampling of the dating pool this is not. But they run the gamut, and he seems determined to genuinely get a sense of who they are before he makes a decision. Those of you who have been watching The Bachelor all these years, know that this is not always the case. Not that our guy isn't susceptible to some distraction here and there....Stephanie comes to mind. She seems to be there purely on a mission to win, rather than fall in love. (How quaint of me to expect anything else from a reality show).

Anyway, let's get down to the show. As promised, psycho-Lindsey made a comeback in the opening reel. And i just want to pause here a moment because I got a little flack for making a comment about her being from Kansas. I meant nothing by it of course and apologized. But what occurred to me later was this: isn't it much more offensive to have someone from your home state behave the way she did? At least way more than my just pointing it out? Send letters to her!! Oh well....going to get some more emails i guess.

So, let's get down to everyone's favorite past-time, the group date. It still never fails to shock me that any women anywhere would ever put themselves in the position where they know they are going to be dating someone who will be openly dating not only one other person, but many other people. God bless America. I guess we will never run out of people looking for love wherever they can find it, and definitely never run out of people looking to be famous for five minutes. We can only hope that the latter motivation is not as ingrained as the former.

Anyway,naturally, the first group date was bull-riding. Huh? So now we're just raiding all 80s movies with Debra Winger? What's next? Some kind of weird Terms of Endearment date? The bull-riding thing is ridiculous because it's basically just an opportunity for guys to watch women straddle a bull and gyrate. I mean, why didn't Andy ever get on the bull? And worse, the bull-riding was actually a contest, and the girl who stayed on the longest won some time alone with Andy. Why exactly? Because she excelled at the all-important thigh-gripping skill? I'm just glad this is not typical dating criteria in the real world.

So after the bar, the ladies got to pick out fancy dresses. There's always this absurd pretense that the Bachelor himself actually found these dresses for them. Now, free clothes would make me a little loopy too, but are the girls so blown away that they've suddenly forgotten that there is an entire production staff whose job it is to decide these things? They actually got to play dress-up a lot on this date. Next was the always-popular bikini parade. I guess the date was really inspired by the Miss America pageant! There was evening-wear, swim-wear, and uh, talent. Andy appropriately stated that this was the greatest first date ever. Hard to argue with him, really.

So now I'd like to discuss a fairly unusual phenomenon which arose on this episode. Remember our friend Erin, the Anna-Nicole lookalike? Well, she has lived up to her first impression. I think all that peroxide may have seeped in at some point. There does not seem to be much going on there. But so dear playmate actually found a playmate. The much cuter and less enhanced blonde, Susan, turned out to be equally shallow and the two became an eerie indistinguishable pair of prissy misses, even dressing alike the last night. They thought it was simply adorable to hold hands and walk daintily through the pool so as not to mess up their hair, when they were supposed to be swimming laps! Really, girls?

So there's a lot of other moments i could focus on, like Stephanie's bizarre reenactment of the Titanic moment (I don't think Leo and Kate were actually flapping their arms like crazed seagulls on the bough of the ship but I could be wrong) and of course the girls played a lovely game of "out the virgin" but I'd like to focus on a moment involving my new favorite girl, Tessa. Now, Tessa made a very rough entrance into our little play, but tonight, she showed one of the most natural human reactions I have seen on a Bachelor yet. Basically, it dawned on her that she might have feelings for this guy, and that not only was he dating 14 other women, but that she was LIVING with all of them!! And naturally, she freaked out! Bless you, Tessa, for your humanity! She is reminiscent of my favorite girl ever to be seen on these shows, dear lovely Meredith, who was so genuine and sweet, I kind of wanted to date her.

That's all for now. See you next week!

Score one for the non-girly-girls!!

I just have to say how impressed i was at all the intelligent, athletic, well-spoken women that Andy chose to stay...and all the prissy, giggly, rely-on-their-looks girls he sent home -- well, except for one major exception. But here's to the smart (and let's face it, brunette) girls interested in more than hair care and nail polish! And don't all the blondes write me nasty messages now, i'm just kidding.

More details on last night's very exciting, very wet episode later....

The Bachelor, Episode One

Ok - so the fabulously absurd and glorious program we will be talking about is this season's Bachelor, which this time around, has the wholly unoriginal subtitle: "An Officer and a Gentleman." They're about 20 years too late on cashing in on the appeal of the whole Richard Gere in uniform craze, but hey, i guess to some ladies, the man in white gloves thing never gets old. (i don't happen to share that particular fantasy, but that's just me)

First of all, i want to say i appreciate this new guy, Andy, because he made sure that all the women chosen knew who he was and what he did, so they would know what they were getting into. Which is....he's in the military, AND he's a doctor AND he is stationed in Hawaii, which translates to: you'll never see the guy, he may wind up in Iraq, but hey, the weather's swell. But i have to say he's pretty cute, if he has a little too much of that scarily perfect Ken-doll smile. And just in case you missed it, (because they only showed him shirtless about 50 times in his little intro film), he's got 12-pack abs. They even showed him as a 12-year old swimmer, and i swear i felt a little sick seeing that he was already well on his way to forming those stomach muscles. His intro was a bit much, complete with patriotic soundtrack and images of him saluting his fallen soldiers at Pearl Harbor. Between the military service, his valedictorian status in high school and his award-winning humanitarian efforts--and i am in no way, making fun of that--but i was waiting for them to tell us about the kidney he recently donated because he's just that nice a guy.

So finally the esteemable Chris Harrison is back, informing our guy that not only is he about to meet the 25 women who are all there to snag him, but that he will be giving his first rose based solely on their first conversation.

So the women started pouring out of limos, and he seemed game - all "goshes" and "gollies." He complimented quite a few ladies on their dresses, which i thought was pretty metrosexual of him, but alas, i think it was simply a sign of good breeding. Overall, he was exceptionally polite, doing his best to make each girl feel at ease and invite them inside. A couple of the girls caught my eye on their just-out-of-the-limo chat. I thought that Tiffany was very cute, and it's always nice when the slightly older ladies are well put-together. (by slightly older, i mean 28 as opposed to 22) The blonde Susan was very cute, and a nice contrast to Erin, who was a scary Anna-Nicole lookalike in a pink dress so shiny she looked like something you unwrap at a baby shower. Despite her utterly fake playboy bunny appearance, Andy actually seemed downright smitten with her! Hmmm...questionable.

My favorite awkward moment was brought to us by dear sweet Tessa, who somehow, after having months of imagining her first moment speaking to her dream-man, came up with this brilliant notion: "i know, i'll introduce myself and tell him a joke about talking muffins! That will surely make him fall in love with me." Talking muffins?? Ouch. I wrote her off as a goner instantly, but later on she saved herself with a much more worthwhile story. Also questionable was the fact that as the night went on, and Andy was mingling with the ladies, he kept commenting on how nice it was to find out that they were not only gorgeous, but smart and accomplished as well. They had careers and degrees, he exclaimed, sounding almost astonished. Like, Bonus! That shit kind of bugs me -- because it's so sneakily sexist that you'd almost miss it if you didn't think about it. But it's really like what he's saying is that a woman being intelligent is some kind of unexpected feature, like a tattoo or red hair - one that is cool but doesn't necessarily affect whether or not he wants to spend his life with them.

So now we're getting into my favorite part of the show, when you get to see 25 women get trashed and simultaneously flirt with the same guy. It's always fascinating to see what lengths the women go to to get attention, and also to see the women who merely sit back and get attention by not trying to get attention. It's an awesome social experiment and of course, always a hoot. And, this period always reveals our first-episode-psycho character. There's always that one. For a minute there, i thought it might be Linda, the bug-eyed workout queen who whiffed of desperation and lack of self-awareness when she proudly claimed to be the girl whose perky morning personality actually makes people tell her to go away! Really, stop making yourself sound so fantastic! But no - Our crazy girl trophy---previously held by the lovely doctor from last season who felt the need in their first conversation to tell the Bachelor that she was "looking to procreate"---was one Miss Lindsey from Kansas, all of 22 -- and about half that mature. She clearly came to get drunk and fight people and i'm pretty sure, to get camera-time. She repeatedly called Stephanie, who received the coveted First Impression rose, "heinous," a popular insult in Kansas, i imagine.

So as the champagne flowed, we got the requisite back-flips, body scars and serenades. Really, the Star Spangled Banner?? Oh, i get it. Because he's in the military and loves his country. Well, he fell for it. In fact, it seemed that Andy fell for every grand gesture thrown his way, even a disgusting tequila-soaked cake in his honor. Almost every girl who did something forced and ridiculous got a rose.

So of course, Miss Lindsey Pyscho, who promised us she would most certainly be selected, spent the entire rose ceremony rolling her eyes and looking pissed. Apparently, the writing was on the wall as soon as the names starting getting called. Then, upon the last non-Lindsey name being called, she proceeded to storm out, remove her shoes, and start a-raving. It was awesome! She was f-this and f-that and calling herself a bitch and the girls bitches and calling all the girls out on being fake and L.A. on being fake. (good one!) I loved that she made a comment about some girls having fake boobs, because it was soooo tacky and soooo true. But her best moment came when she decided that she should start ragging on Andy too, since he was clearly too dumb to see what a catch she was. She said "his teeth look fake anyway!" and i have to hand it to her, 'cause they sure do. Well, she will be missed, but something tells me that the clip of her crying on the lawn screaming obscenities will make an appearance in every show intro for the rest of the season AND that she will also appear as a guest on the glorious Bachelor tell-all special. Oh, Lindsey, how sick of you we will soon be. Your 15 minutes starts now.

Can't wait for next week!!

Roemer's Reality

Welcome to Roemer's Reality....ok, no time to waste - let's get down to business. First, just so you know what i'll be doing here, I'll be following some of my favorite reality shows from beginning to end, giving you the weekly dish on just what happened and more importantly, just what i think about it! Now this isn't a catch-up site, because you can get that anywhere. I consider myself a trained expert in some of these shows, and an untrained expert in human behavior and i thought i'd start sharing my obsession. I'll be focusing on one show at a time, and since i only just got this brilliant idea (ok, unoriginal idea) from reading Seth Rudetsky's hilarious "Grease! You're the one that I Want!" column on Playbill.com. (shout-out to Seth!) By the way, Seth, if you ever actually get a chance to read this, which would be awesome, did you know that we shared the same therapist's office for years? I came in around 11:45am on Wednesdays and you'd be coming out! Always thought that was neat....