It's just that those special parts weren't parts that he was looking for.

Solisa. I, for one will really miss you.

Wow. So first and foremost, I have to thank Solisa for providing me with my favorite title quote of all time. And just because it was that priceless, here is her complete statement after the Bachelor's not-so-shocking rejection: "He did see the very special parts of me..." (um, yes, we all did.) "....because I wear those special parts on the outside." (and your no-no place on the inside?) "....so it's just that those special parts weren't parts that he was looking for unfortunately." I mean, you have to give the woman credit. She knows herself. She is not a woman of substance, wit or personality, but of very special parts. And she shook and jiggled and flaunted those parts as much as any human being possibly could. So the fact that perhaps Brad was looking for more than "parts" was just a little bit beyond dear Solisa's grasp. I'm sorry to see her go.

So, back to episode 3, which brought us our first one-on-one date and our first EVER identical twin switcheroo. What more could you possibly ask for??

But first, we must have more absurdly located group dates!! Like the circus! A more romantic location I cannot imagine. Of course, they did get the VIP circus experience, which still left a lot to be desired on the romantic front. They got to mingle backstage with the elephants, and Brad got to make brilliant observations like, "Wow, she is so big." And we got to see that Jenni still holds the early lead in Brad's eyes, but that Stephy is actually sweet and adorable, contrary to a not-so-stellar first impression, in my opinion.


Kristy, take it down a notch.

The other group date was a bit more appropriate - the gals went sailing with Brad, and got to ride on jet skis. (Were those jet skis? I don't know. I'm a writer, I don't get out much....) Brad surprisingly took to Kristy, which was nice to see, since she seems to be one of the brightest of the bunch. But I have to say, I thought she was forcing it, and is way too methodical about "trying" to seem carefree and all. It felt awkward and I was actually pretty shocked that he responded to her so positively.

Then, Bettina fessed up about being a divorcee. Big fat deal. Well, Brad did look shocked and I guess it's kind of a major thing but if she doesn't have kids, I don't really see how it's any different than having a previous serious relationship. I think she said it was only a year and a half, and she was young. I don't think she should have made it seem like it was such a dramatic announcement and then maybe he wouldn't have been so taken aback. And if he judges her as someone without "family values" or some such conservative/religious bullshit, then she should tell him to kiss off till he walks a day in her shoes. Nuf said.

Hillary, woman of many faces.

So Hillary got the one-on-one. Here's another girl -- kind of like Stephy -- who looks different in every episode. I cannot get a finger on this girl, as Brad would say. Sometimes she looks young and pretty, and other times she looks old and tired. Did you ever see that Seinfeld where he dates the girl who's beautiful sometimes and then randomly looks like something you find at the bottom of a coffee cup? That's like this girl. I don't trust it. AND, she's kind of a pathetic basket case!!! Who cries on a first date?? Who is so desperate that the slightest attention from a decent guy is cause for open weeping? As I was watching, I felt bad for her because I was sure that Brad would be totally freaked out by it and not give her a rose. But then I realized that he definitely would give her a rose because he really didn't want to see what she'd do if he didn't! I will give him major points for telling her that she looked more beautiful than ever with the mascara streaking down her face. That was good. I once had a guy I was dating tell me I still looked beautiful even though I had a giant cold sore on my lip. I would have kissed him for saying that too...(if not for the giant cold sore). But yes -- Hillary cried, made a total fool of herself, and didn't get rejected. It's reality TELEVISION people, not reality.


Chris Harrison, king of hyperbole.

So this brings us to my favorite moment of the show, or as Chris Harrison would say, "the most SHOCKING cocktail party EVER IN BACHELOR HISTORY!!!" Man, they need to get better writers for this show. We got to meet the identical twin, Chad. Um, yes. Their names are Chad and Brad. Wow. You just can't make this shit up.

So, Brad figures that if a girl doesn't recognize that they're not talking to the real him, then they probably don't have real feelings for him. It's a credible premise, but I think that all the experiment proved was which girls were dumb as rocks, and which weren't. Which is why I am SO pissed that they didn't show ALL of the girls meeting Chad!! What was up with that?? We didn't get to see how Jenni and Stephy and the other front-runners did on the identical twin challenge! Totally bogus. I thought it was such an interesting social experiment that I could have watched a whole hour of just Chad trying to fool them over and over.

Oh well. maybe there's extended footage on the website. Someone let me know, will you?

So, Lindsey and Sarah failed the twin test (hence, dumb as rocks) and so, they got the boot. We didn't get to see Solisa's twin test but I can only imagine that she was too busy shaking her rump to see that she was shaking it for the wrong guy. She too, of course, was sent packing -- with her g-strings, bikinis, and all of her very special parts.

See you guys next week.