Someone had Some Sort of Time

He's sexy. We get it.

So, people, here we are again....it's a few months later, and Tessa and Adam are already history so it's hard to hold out hope for this next couple, but really it's the process of the show that we love. Sure, I wish the couples well but I think that at some level, they are kind of asking for trouble by trying to find love this way -- so they can't be too shocked when a romance born in reality television goes awry in the real world. But, here we are: New girls, new man, who, by the way, we have no choice but to think is the SEXIEST BACHELOR EVER!!!! I think I counted 8 times that particular point was raised. Like it was just an absolute fact. "Everyone is saying," Chris Harrison kept chirping. Who, Chris? The producers who want us to watch the show?? Are we that suggestible that if you tell us he's the sexiest, we'll believe he is? Personally, while I think he's handsome -- nice eyes, nice dimples, nice accent. He's not a god! And besides, sexy is something that has as much to do with chemistry as it does with appearance. I think maybe Chris Harrison has a little thing for him! He spent a lot more one-on-one time this first episode with the Bachelor than i ever remember. I'm just saying....

But I'm getting ahead of myself. So the intro to the show was awesome. "19 crying men, 167 hot tubs, 719 kisses, ONE marriage!!!!" Um, those aren't good statistics, guys. You're basically telling us all upfront that the whole thing is a sham and doesn't work! I guess they are embracing the fact that the show is just entertaining and fun, but hardly a recipe for a successful relationship. I think they should take it a step further and NOT let these people have to go through a forced engagement. At the end of the show, they should just ask them if they maybe want to date one of the girls for a few weeks. That's a commitment they might be able to follow through with.



And note to Chris, and the Bachelor writers and producers and staff, many of whom must be women --- can you please stop saying "Mrs. Brad Womack" or whoever. The 50s were a long time ago, and the last time I checked, women were actually allowed to have a first name in their "formal title." Some of them (gasp) even keep their last name! Get with the century, guys. Also, another note to the producers. How about having more than this pathetic scene of only one African-American woman every season? How about having a truly racially mixed group of ladies that looks like the country really looks? Yes, they've got some Latinas representing. But I mean, the token black chick is just so sad and such an obvious after-thought for you guys. And here's an even more radical suggestion. How about a BACHELOR who isn't white?? And then still having multiracial groups of women! Come on guys, shake it up a little.


Hello, I'm dumber than I look - isn't that amazing??

So let's get to those "crazy" ladies as Chris so lovingly referred to them. I love how I say "Chris said" as if he just comes up with stuff and doesn't have a staff scripting his every word. Anyway, here's to the ladies and their excruciating 15 seconds of first conversation. Man, there was some serious awkwardness out there. Brad kept stealing hugs and shooing them inside to keep from having to force-chat! It was pretty unbearable. Most of them made pretty decent first impressions however. They saved their humiliation for later.....Still, there were some special moments: my favorites were that awful girl in the blue dress calling him a fire extinguisher, (yes i know what she meant to say, but she CALLED him a fire extinguisher!!), silver dress girl putting her ass right in his face, Jersey girl telling him "you're everything I'm looking for," and poor Jade who in response to telling Brad he had gorgeous eyes was told she had a gorgeous name. Ouch.

Slow sips, girls. It's a long night.

So somehow these girls did not learn the lessons of past seasons and they insisted on behaving like circus freaks once the champagne started flowing, showing off whatever bizarre quality or talent they possessed in the hope they'd be remembered. Yes, you'll be remembered -- as being a freak!!! Does no one remember poor Miss Orange Peel in the teeth? Why is your weirdest quality the thing you want to advertise?? Miss Acupuncturist let-me-see-your-tongue girl slipped by the first round, but i don't give her long. And Miss Webbed Toes and Miss Human Pretzel: I hope your best friends or mamas slapped you when they saw that display. What were you thinking?? Personally, I think Jenni's laugh almost put her in the freak category, but it was endearing and it won him over....for now. I think that cackle is going to get real old, real fast. Do you want to hear that sound constantly for the rest of your life?

And no, we can't forget this season's Miss Drunkity Drunk, Melissa, who lost a boob and her mind all in one. I'm not sure she had much of it to lose from the start though.

So, we're off and running, kids. No clear front-runners yet except for the obvious, Jenni. I do think he really liked Miss Lindsey, and it wasn't because of her singing. And he's smitten a bit with Deanna too, who I think is adorable and had on my favorite dress of the night. No one else is a major threat yet that I could pinpoint. But I can't wait to see more!!!

Thanks for reading - see you next week.