They would all make tremendous mothers.

Baldwin. Andy Baldwin.

So i keep trying to take this show seriously...i mean, as serious as you can take something like this. But I'm always aware that these are real people putting real feelings on the line, no matter how absurd and contrived the circumstances. But the producers of the show do their very best to focus on what they think is the most dramatic and important. For example, in the scenes from last week, they focused on Bevin's "breakdown" and not the fact that she and Andy made a genuine love connection. I guess that wasn't as exciting. And then they go and open the show with these shameless shots of a half-naked Andy exercising on his yacht. I mean, do we really need to see that? Well, YES, absolutely. What was my point? Damn them for lowering our standards. (Those abs! Jesus!)

Anyway, so this week started off with a friendly don't-worry-no-roses group-date for all the girls on "Andy's" yacht. As if it wasn't bad enough to have all the girls together competing for his attention, the group also somehow managed to split into blonds vs. brunettes, which was just bizarre. But wait - You want bizarre? Is that Tina picking Andy's teeth with her fingers? Yup. And the best part about that gross display was that the other girls actually got jealous. The whole thing was just so weird on too many levels. And that off-putting event is the only thing that i can think of that could account for Tessa resorting back to her old nervous trick of telling bad jokes. Tessa, i love you, but there is nothing sexy about being the Shecky McJokester of the group! Did that muffin joke teach you nothing??

Stephanie, she of the non-personality.

So next, blonds Steph and Danielle were pissed when Bevin stole Andy for some romantic kayaking, but i have to say - those two are actually dating, and the rest of ya'll are just watching. But Stephanie was reassured because she finally got her one-on-one, which of course, she totally wrecked. I don't quite get these 'I'm too shy to say anything remotely personal or interesting' girls. There seem to be more and more of them on these shows, and as a feminist, I find it a little frightening. Being shy is one thing. I certainly don't favor throwing yourself at the guy, or claiming to have deep romantic feelings after ten minutes....but to not be able to articulate what you want in life, or who you are at all? Yes, I may be way past 23 but at 23, at least I thought I knew everything there was to know, even if I wound up changing my mind ten times. This lack of assertiveness or ability to express one's own desires is downright creepy. Whatever it is, it's an epidemic and it must be stopped. Speak up, girls! Look inside yourselves and answer some questions before no one else bothers asking anymore.

Ha ha - Isn't it funny how I have six kids and you have no idea!

So, then Bevin dropped a big old bomb when she revealed that she is divorced! Oh well - I gave her a lot of credit for waiting to think about marriage till she was 28, but it turns out, that that's because she already tried it as a teenager and shockingly enough, it didn't last. But, I feel for her having to keep this secret and I worry about how much it's going to affect their relationship. Andy is an incredibly understanding guy, but he's fairly traditional, and he may have some weirdness that he just can't help about this. But I will give the guy the benefit of the doubt, considering his sensitivity so far. I predict he won't care as long as she tells him in an appropriate way. (Not like: "Andy this is my ex-husband, Dirk. Oh, did i not tell you about Dirk?")

Anyway, the secret weighed heavy on Bevin, especially when she found out she was on group-date detail and wouldn't have real private time to talk with Andy till he met her family...if he met her family. She made the mistake of confiding her fears (just not about her divorce) with Amber who later told us that she thought Bevin was very immature for assuming that she, Amber, was immature. Huh? Amber gets more high school-ish by the minute, which was kind of Bevin's point.

Can't I adopt all of them?

The group-date turned out to be a blast for all involved. Andy, Tina, Bevin, Danielle, and Amber helped restore a play area for kindergarten kids and everyone really embraced the positive experience. There he goes being an awesome guy again. He so genuinely LOVES helping people and to see him so excited to surprise those kids, it's hard not to want to take the guy home to meet your family. Of course, it was a little weird when it the date seemed like some sort of test of the girls mothering skills, but apparently, according to Andy, all the girls passed with flying colors. He even expressed his pleasant surprise that Bevin took to the children so nicely just like the other girls. I guess he thought she was more the type to lure them into her candy-covered house and cook them in the oven. Why is that exactly? Because she's not a giggly girly-girl or an elementary school teacher? That doesn't mean she uses babies for target practice! Men - even Andy - can be such idiots.

So Tessa finally got her one-on-one and she got the full-on Pretty Woman treatment with the loaned jewelry and the choice of gowns....yuck. Sure, this is all very lovely, and it creates a fantasy atmosphere...but it's this constant "princess-ing" of these women that kind of makes me nauseous. It can reduce a very intelligent and grounded girl like Tessa to use expressions like "it's every girl's dream..." Really? Is it? Would the perfect guy be any less perfect if he didn't have a yacht? (which he really doesn't) or couldn't afford diamonds? (which he can't) or didn't give you a choice of designer gowns? (ok, that one is hard to resist, but you get my point).

Anyway, Tessa managed to maintain her composure despite the whole dress-me-up thing...and even restored my faith in her as the realest of the real. She talked about how she realizes sometimes you can meet the right person even in a crazy way and how she needs to take baby steps in this whole thing. And he likes her....his true romantic side always comes out when he's really into a girl, like with Bevin in the elevator when he was suddenly so eloquent. And last night with Tessa he told her that she made the whole process worthwhile. *sigh.*

He really tried to turn on the romantic charm on his date with nothing-to-say Stephanie, but he wasn't really feeling it and it came out all awkward, like saying the wine "tastes beautiful-like you." Ick. Can something even taste beautiful? Save it for when you mean it, Andy. (P.S. - what about that horrible picture he and Stephanie painted together on their date. It was supposed to be this romantic vision of their feelings, but it looked like the drawings of a deranged serial killer or a monkey).

Our last four hopefuls...

So the rose ceremony was fairly un-dramatic....it was pretty clear that Stephanie was going and it was just a question whether he was going to keep Danielle or Tina. Like I said last week, Tina is a Friend with a capital F so it was kind of amazing that she lasted this long. I truthfully think he kept her around just because she was so chill and low on the drama that she soothed him. But there was zero chemistry there. So Danielle got picked and Andy will be meeting her family next week, even though they have yet to have a private date or so much as kiss. That's just nuts. But, he had to keep four girls, and she was the obvious fourth. He's got a ton more connection so far with Bevin and Tessa, and also some with Amber.

I still stand by my earlier prediction that Bevin is way in the lead here - they just seem like a real couple already. I think we can even start calling them "Bevandy." And I think there may be major heartbreak on the horizon for dear sweet Tessa. Wow, i just felt this weird pang of guilt, as if I were somehow responsible for dragging her into this ridiculous situation. Woah. Weird. I'm getting too personally involved here. Time to take a break and watch something a little less stressful, like America's Next Top Model.

See you all next week - thanks so much for reading, and please - leave me a comment and tell me what you think about what's been going on, or what you think of what I think or what you think about anything....