I met her on a special mission.

Enough of this group dating.

We've reached the home-town date portion of our dear program - almost as exciting as the "women tell all" special which is absolutely my favorite of course. I can't resist seeing the women who lasted 10 minutes telling us exactly who is right for the guy who dumped them.

But we still have a couple of weeks till that moment...this week, it's Andy traveling across the country to meet the parents, dogs, best friends and siblings of the women he's been dating roughly 2 weeks. Can you imagine bringing a guy home after 2 or 3 dates? Even if they were the most glamorous fancy dates?? Reality, this is not. But reality tv never claimed to resemble reality. The reason I love it is because people bring their real lives and real emotions into a totally fabricated scenario and still expect the results to be normal. The social behavior that is on display is fascinating, especially in this competition that is about something way more important than money--true love (an expression used about 50 times in tonight's episode by the way).

So the first hometown date was with Bevin. Oh right - it's even less likely that your guy would meet your family so soon when your "hometown" is actually hundreds of miles from where you now live! But that's how we do it on the Bachelor. Bevin, who actually lives and works in Palo Alto has her date in Seattle, where she grew up and where her family lives. And enter Andy, who actually starts this date by saying "I'm in heaven when I'm with Bevin." Could anything but goofy mushy lovey-dovey feelings inspire this Naval officer to say something so cheesy? My money's still on her, people.


And yes, tonight was the big reveal of her dark past....she's been divorced for six years. A lifetime ago. But if you ask me, this announcement was not nearly as alarming as the fact that Andy was chewing and tonguing at his teeth throughout her entire revelation. Play it back - you'll see. The man must have had some brick-sized cracker fragment stuck in his teeth and it was driving him crazy. I doubt he heard a word she said. The producers probably had to tell him after. No wonder he was surprised. Andy disappointed me when he characterized it as a "red flag" that she had had a failed relationship in her past. Who doesn't? Sure, most aren't an actual marriage. But I love that she talked about how she learned so much from it, and it shaped her personality. She understands that life is about experience and growing from your mistakes. It's sweet that Andy has an idealized vision of marriage, but saying you don't "believe in divorce" is pretty archaic and unrealistic. She was not an adult when she got married so can hardly be judged for the relationship not working out. I can understand his disappointment. No one (especially men) want to feel like they are somehow not the "first" in some way, but having a failed relationship in your past does not signify that you don't value marriage. Anyway, he will hopefully get over it as time goes on. But he's a traditional guy, and that might just plant a seed of doubt that he can't stop from growing. That would be disappointing.

So after their private picnic, they arrived at Bevin's family's house. And Andy was kind enough to bring a very thoughtful gift to her parents. The man handed them coffee. He brought coffee to people who live in Seattle. Well done.

Andy described Bevin's family as "his type of people" which sounded eerily white-power-ish but maybe that's just me. A good time seemed to be had by all, although Bevin actually broke down crying at the dinner table, which was a bit much. I understand she's scared about getting hurt but she does seem to have less and less control of her emotions. Some of my fans will be happy to hear me acknowledge this point! I still like the girl, but I am a little scared about what would happen if she doesn't get a rose because she may self-destruct in a way that is way beyond anything we've seen. I also thought it was a little weird that she asked her father, "Where would I have an opportunity to ever meet somebody like that?" He's not some Nobel prize winning Rocket Scientist! Yes, he's a great guy - and yes, they can be hard to find, but he's not the second coming. Get a grip!

Quick, Andy, what's her last name?

So next it was the most absurd hometown date of all, with Danielle. These two people barely know each other. Besides bonding on a couple of group dates, I think Andy would be hard-pressed to throw together a paragraph on why he likes Danielle. Of course she thinks they have "so much in common!" Um, sharing a history of loss is not exactly super material to build a future on. Danielle strikes me as a "checklist" girl. And Andy simply fits her list. The first question she asked her mother after meeting him was, "Do you think we look good as a couple?" Ick. Is that really the first thing you want to know? How you look together? Her family seemed to follow in the same checklist mentality. Her father, an intimidating man with an unusually large head (I'm just saying) told us after meeting the guy ONCE that he would be thrilled for her daughter to be, as he put it, "MRS. Lieutenant Andy Baldwin." Again - ick. What decade is this? Maybe it's those Connecticut traditionalists.

So finally we get to Tessa's date! Yay Tessa! So natural, so pretty, so real! So attached to her big wool hat! She never takes that thing off, even when having drinks with her family. But she's quirky, and we love her. However, Andy is starting to become a bit impatient with Tessa not pouring out her devotion to him like the other girls. Tonight, she was kind of forced into "opening up" already! Poor Tessa is trying so hard to make things go at a normal pace, and the reality show gods just won't let it happen. Andy finally gave up on enjoying "courtship" and put her on the spot. I love Tessa - she told him straight up that she questions how genuine feelings can be at this stage, and under these circumstances. But she likes the guy and eventually they both passionately declared that they - wait for it - want to fall in love with each other. How awkward is that? That basically emcompasses what's wrong with this whole process. People on these shows want so much to fall in love that they believe everything is perfect about the other person, they get engaged, and after five minutes in the real world, they find out that lo and behold, they never actually fell in love! -- only imagined that they did because they wanted to. You can have as much artifice and sports cars and romantic yacht rides as you want, but falling in love doesn't have bubkus to do with any of that. And when it's happening, you know - right from the start, you know it. It's confusing when there's so much pressure TO fall in love, like there is on this show, with this diamond ring hanging from a string at the end of it. They basically set these relationships up for failure.

She's so sexy. She's so good with kids. She's so gone.

Anyway, end of rant. So then we got to Amber's doomed hometown date. It was never quite clear what exactly the story is with her parents. She hinted earlier in the season at having to raise her siblings, and now her parents ominously did not show up for her. I felt very bad for her. It seems like there is clearly more going on than her parents simply disapproving of her being on the show. But honestly, I don't think it was her parents not showing that did her in. While I'm sure that made Andy a little nervous, it was really Amber's display of childish behavior in her home setting that sealed the deal. Suddenly he was that 30 year old hanging out with the 23 year olds, and feeling just a little bored and a little out of place. Amber's mature job and her classroom and adorable moppet students could not save her. She was left in a flurry of tears....the poor thing started sobbing before Andy had even closed the limo door. She's young. She'll be fine.


And so we have a very strong top two in Tessa and Bevin and a weak third in Danielle who will have to work real hard to save herself next week. I just don't think their chemistry and connection can compare to what he has with the other two.

Before I end, I hope everyone has been sticking around for the closing credit scenes they've been showing this season...each one funnier than the last. My favorite so far is the girls trying to figure out how many rose were going to be given out that second night - they may still be counting. But tonight's was almost as hilarious: We discovered Danielle's deep-seeded fear of....bananas? Not that she doesn't like to eat them - she's afraid of them. Hey Andy - sometimes a banana is just a banana, but I'm not so sure.