I feel like a king with my queen.

I’d like to start this week’s column by saying one simple thing – my god, those abs!! Not since Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise have I seen anything like them. Nuf said. Where was I? I mean, in my defense, Andy is not at all my type but I just get dizzy when I see defined stomach muscles all sweaty and rippling....where was I again?

Okay, so this week was the chance for the three remaining girls to try on their “navy wife” outfits and see if they were a fit. Of course there was no acting out of the waiting by the phone they'll be doing when Andy’s working a double-shift or any sitting at home worrying about him seeing combat. It was all zip-lining and hiking and dolphin watching and all that real life stuff. Oh yeah, how can we forget about the visit to Pearl Harbor. Wow - I felt like he was testing each one of them by bringing them to the USS Arizona and waiting to see who welled up the most or who was most affected by the site of the underwater tomb. I am in no way minimizing the emotional impact of Pearl Harbor or Andy’s devotion to the military, but what the hell did that have to do with anything? It felt very forced. We know the guy’s in the military - did he really have to take each girl one by one to the site of the worst Navy atrocity in history? I mean, when he and Tessa hung out in DC, did they have a date at the Vietnam memorial or the Holocaust museum? (Did they?)

Anyway, that was all staged as far as I was concerned and I don’t think he learned a single real thing about those girls from that experience because of course, all of them were going to be respectfully mournful and honor the location. Was he waiting for one of them to reveal themselves as being on the side of the Japanese? (In World War II, I mean) Probably not. But I digress....


So Tessa had the first romantic date, after the Pearl Harbor visits. All of the dates started with some major Hawaiian vacation activity like I mentioned earlier. I admired the way Tessa just jumped off the cliff with that zip-line like it was nothing. I’m sure many people would be much more frightened and at least pause a second. I think that showed her free spirit and how comfortable she was withe herself. Or maybe she just knew that ABC probably wouldn’t let one of their prize bachelorettes go splat against the side of a mountain. Either way, it was admirable.

All of the adventurous afternoons were followed by romantic evening dinners where the ladies got to wear sexy dresses and Andy got to grill them about the lingering doubts he was having. In Tessa’s case, Andy – wearing what looked to me like an exact replica of Travolta’s Saturday Night Fever suit – did his best to break down whatever remains of Tessa’s wall of defense and get her to say she’s in love with him already, damnit!! She basically gave in and admitted to having strong feelings and explained - again - that she is just someone who wanted to be totally real in the situation and not say anything she didn’t mean. Well, in a real situation, you probably wouldn’t have someone constantly pressuring you to be ready to marry them after such a short time. Come to think of it, there’s not a damn thing that’s real about this entire situation other than the feelings they feel – and once they start faking those, there’s nothing left! I believe Tessa genuinely is into Andy. But is she ga-ga/ head over heels/ have his babies/ in love with him? - not yet, and I just don’t think she will be in time enough for Andy. Yes, I saw next week’s promo and I see that she says the L-word but something about it seems the way all of her declarations have seemed, which is half-hearted. Not because she doesn't genuinely like Andy. I just think she keeps her heart close naturally, takes longer to trust and can’t throw herself into the situation in the same way as she might want to. When I look at her, I see someone who still isn’t sure and is still holding herself back. I love Tessa - I think she’s a fantastic, fun and beautiful girl. I just don’t think she’s going to find true love on a reality show.

Next was Danielle’s romantic date and I’m sorry, but she just doesn’t do it for me. She kind of bores me honestly. I can’t really think of one thing super interesting about her except for the fact that her ex-boyfriend died mysteriously. Seriously, did we ever hear how he died? Oh yeah - and her parents belly dance in their living room. Other than that, she’s like blank to me. I don’t even think Andy ever really had super strong feelings for her. She’s swell and nice, and even a good kisser, so we're told. But you never heard him complaining that he wasn’t sure where they stood or wasn’t sure how deep her feelings were. He was a littleoncerned that she wasn’t over her dead boyfriend (she isn’t) but other than that, it was just pretty un-invested dating going on there. He described the romance as starting to bubble up - you know, like a pot ofwater boiling. But with the other girls, it was all about “electricity” and “melting.” I think he always knew she was the one getting cut. Even when he was trying to explain his dilemma to his not-so-helpful best friend, he couldn’t say much about Danielle that he loved other than her strong family background. Eww. I guess good kissing will only get you so far.

Oh - can we just pause a moment and say something about the unbelievably super-cheesy thing that the producers keep doing?? Whenever things get slightly romantic, they crank up that terrible muzak version of "love lift us up where we belong" in the background, to enhance the moment and I suppose, attempt to induce vomiting from the folks at home. It's very effective in that regard.

So the best date was saved for last in Andy’s words. The last romantic date was with his future wife, Bevin. Yes, I still stand by my claim that she's it. He just becomes a complete dork around her and I think it’s totally adorable. Gee, Bevin, "isn’t this paradise?" Well, yes, Andy, technically, it is. Bevin, watch me do the white-man’s overbite with Hawaiian pom-poms in my hands! Wow. He is really in love. And did everyone see her scandalous tattoos, by the way? - two huge ones on her back! Well, as Andy said, she’s a “wild child.” And I think he loves that about her - her unpredictability and spontaneity. They just seem to bring out the best in each other. And I LOVED how when she was presented with the fantasy suite invitation - (wow, do these girls really need to keep acting surprised about that??) - she said she wanted to have that private time to keep talking and getting to know each other, since they already knew they had passion. Sure, I doubt they did a whole lot of talking, but the intention was good. And it showed that she’s not wanting the relationship to devolve into just a physical thing.

Most importantly, Bevin looked at the camera and said without a doubt in her voice, “I love Andy!” She giggled and freaked out, but I think there is something very real happening between those two. Are they ready to get married? God, no! But none of the people on this show ever truly are. They date for five minutes in a made-up fantasy world which leaves them utterly unprepared for real life combined with the onslaught of paparazzi and awkward appearances on Regis and Kelly. But of the three couples who are totally unprepared for the gauntlet they are about to enter, Andy and Bevin are the most ready.


And so it went as expected. Danielle was dismissed. The best two women are left - my favorites from the beginning! I’m just so sad for Tessa because I think she’s amazing but I just don’t think she’s going to be the one left standing...

And what’s with NO Women-Tell-All special this year??? Damn you, ABC!! We’ve gotten used to certain traditions and my favorite one is watching the dumped girls bitch about getting dumped and telling us who most deserves to win! It’s always such a wonderful display of catty jealousy and back-stabbing that I can hardly believe they are denying us the pleasure this year. Oh well. Perhaps they felt it lacked class. Yeah right.