The Bachelor, Episode One

Ok - so the fabulously absurd and glorious program we will be talking about is this season's Bachelor, which this time around, has the wholly unoriginal subtitle: "An Officer and a Gentleman." They're about 20 years too late on cashing in on the appeal of the whole Richard Gere in uniform craze, but hey, i guess to some ladies, the man in white gloves thing never gets old. (i don't happen to share that particular fantasy, but that's just me)

First of all, i want to say i appreciate this new guy, Andy, because he made sure that all the women chosen knew who he was and what he did, so they would know what they were getting into. Which is....he's in the military, AND he's a doctor AND he is stationed in Hawaii, which translates to: you'll never see the guy, he may wind up in Iraq, but hey, the weather's swell. But i have to say he's pretty cute, if he has a little too much of that scarily perfect Ken-doll smile. And just in case you missed it, (because they only showed him shirtless about 50 times in his little intro film), he's got 12-pack abs. They even showed him as a 12-year old swimmer, and i swear i felt a little sick seeing that he was already well on his way to forming those stomach muscles. His intro was a bit much, complete with patriotic soundtrack and images of him saluting his fallen soldiers at Pearl Harbor. Between the military service, his valedictorian status in high school and his award-winning humanitarian efforts--and i am in no way, making fun of that--but i was waiting for them to tell us about the kidney he recently donated because he's just that nice a guy.

So finally the esteemable Chris Harrison is back, informing our guy that not only is he about to meet the 25 women who are all there to snag him, but that he will be giving his first rose based solely on their first conversation.

So the women started pouring out of limos, and he seemed game - all "goshes" and "gollies." He complimented quite a few ladies on their dresses, which i thought was pretty metrosexual of him, but alas, i think it was simply a sign of good breeding. Overall, he was exceptionally polite, doing his best to make each girl feel at ease and invite them inside. A couple of the girls caught my eye on their just-out-of-the-limo chat. I thought that Tiffany was very cute, and it's always nice when the slightly older ladies are well put-together. (by slightly older, i mean 28 as opposed to 22) The blonde Susan was very cute, and a nice contrast to Erin, who was a scary Anna-Nicole lookalike in a pink dress so shiny she looked like something you unwrap at a baby shower. Despite her utterly fake playboy bunny appearance, Andy actually seemed downright smitten with her! Hmmm...questionable.

My favorite awkward moment was brought to us by dear sweet Tessa, who somehow, after having months of imagining her first moment speaking to her dream-man, came up with this brilliant notion: "i know, i'll introduce myself and tell him a joke about talking muffins! That will surely make him fall in love with me." Talking muffins?? Ouch. I wrote her off as a goner instantly, but later on she saved herself with a much more worthwhile story. Also questionable was the fact that as the night went on, and Andy was mingling with the ladies, he kept commenting on how nice it was to find out that they were not only gorgeous, but smart and accomplished as well. They had careers and degrees, he exclaimed, sounding almost astonished. Like, Bonus! That shit kind of bugs me -- because it's so sneakily sexist that you'd almost miss it if you didn't think about it. But it's really like what he's saying is that a woman being intelligent is some kind of unexpected feature, like a tattoo or red hair - one that is cool but doesn't necessarily affect whether or not he wants to spend his life with them.

So now we're getting into my favorite part of the show, when you get to see 25 women get trashed and simultaneously flirt with the same guy. It's always fascinating to see what lengths the women go to to get attention, and also to see the women who merely sit back and get attention by not trying to get attention. It's an awesome social experiment and of course, always a hoot. And, this period always reveals our first-episode-psycho character. There's always that one. For a minute there, i thought it might be Linda, the bug-eyed workout queen who whiffed of desperation and lack of self-awareness when she proudly claimed to be the girl whose perky morning personality actually makes people tell her to go away! Really, stop making yourself sound so fantastic! But no - Our crazy girl trophy---previously held by the lovely doctor from last season who felt the need in their first conversation to tell the Bachelor that she was "looking to procreate"---was one Miss Lindsey from Kansas, all of 22 -- and about half that mature. She clearly came to get drunk and fight people and i'm pretty sure, to get camera-time. She repeatedly called Stephanie, who received the coveted First Impression rose, "heinous," a popular insult in Kansas, i imagine.

So as the champagne flowed, we got the requisite back-flips, body scars and serenades. Really, the Star Spangled Banner?? Oh, i get it. Because he's in the military and loves his country. Well, he fell for it. In fact, it seemed that Andy fell for every grand gesture thrown his way, even a disgusting tequila-soaked cake in his honor. Almost every girl who did something forced and ridiculous got a rose.

So of course, Miss Lindsey Pyscho, who promised us she would most certainly be selected, spent the entire rose ceremony rolling her eyes and looking pissed. Apparently, the writing was on the wall as soon as the names starting getting called. Then, upon the last non-Lindsey name being called, she proceeded to storm out, remove her shoes, and start a-raving. It was awesome! She was f-this and f-that and calling herself a bitch and the girls bitches and calling all the girls out on being fake and L.A. on being fake. (good one!) I loved that she made a comment about some girls having fake boobs, because it was soooo tacky and soooo true. But her best moment came when she decided that she should start ragging on Andy too, since he was clearly too dumb to see what a catch she was. She said "his teeth look fake anyway!" and i have to hand it to her, 'cause they sure do. Well, she will be missed, but something tells me that the clip of her crying on the lawn screaming obscenities will make an appearance in every show intro for the rest of the season AND that she will also appear as a guest on the glorious Bachelor tell-all special. Oh, Lindsey, how sick of you we will soon be. Your 15 minutes starts now.

Can't wait for next week!!